Take the bad with the good

Today for some reason I feel defeated. Nothing horrible has happened...but I just feel like I try in everything, and sometimes don't feel as if anything is coming back. I should be thankful for what I have, and I am...trust me. But sometimes it's so hard when you know you are destined for something and you give it your all, and you feel like your chance is right in your grasp, and it just winds up falling away like sand going through your fingers.

Where is all this coming from you may ask? This morning I went to the elementary school I did my internships in to see how my cooperating teacher set the tone for the year for her students. Upon talking with her she told me that both her intern and a neighboring teacher's intern both got jobs in the district; one even at the school. Now don't get me wrong, I am happy for them that they found a job...but I can't help to think, "why didn't you even consider me?" The principal didn't even bother to ask me to interview...or let me knew there was a position open. I spend a lot of time volunteering and subbing at this school as well. My cooperating teacher just told me that they were both in the "right place and the right time"... I too thought I was in the right place and the right time during my internship when I was told one of the "big wigs" from the district office was coming to observe me and another gal at the time... But then told she wasn't coming b/c she didn't want to send out false hope of being hired in the fall...What is that? I mean how am I supposed to take that? I'm just disappointed in the system. I've applied to 11 districts and 8 private schools and not a one responded...other than with a "job full" e-mail. I even went to that principal today and gave her forms to send off to other district for me and she was like, "you're still looking for a job?" She hasn't once tried to help me... Another thing I found out is that there is another school in the district that has a grade without a teacher...and the district isn't even going to post it online...so I send an e-mail to that principal in hopes that she would get back to me, but I haven't heard yet.

I'm just so frustrated... Why? Why me? I have such passion and want to teach and I would be great at it! I just need a chance to prove it to others.

So what do I do with all this passion and angst? I channel it into projects! LOL, seriously, I do. I just finished refurbishing/painting a bedside table I bought at Good Will for $12... it's going to Mattipoo for his side of the bed. I'm glad he likes it.

So my newest project is to help get things started with our youth group program. I'm really excited. I get to design and send out e-vites to families for the kick off BBQ dinner and Life Night. Hopefully we will be blessed with a lot of families. Our youth minister lent me some cd's and I popped one in on the way home and almost burst into tears...This song came on that really hit home for me...and I really love the words. I think a lot of people feel this way and I felt called to even turn it into a retreat theme down the road. Of course that all depends on everyone else, but I think it would be awesome.

Check it out, let me know what you think:

As far as trying to Conceive (or TTC for those who are in the "know")... I have started my 2nd round of Clomid...This time they have upped the dosage from 50mg to 100mg. Hopefully I will ovulate this time and maybe we will have a little bean on it's way. I know it seems weird to be wanting a job at the same time as trying for a kid...but I just want my life to move in some sort of direction... I feel so stagnant right now. Just...stuck. I enjoy subbing...and subbing would be great especially if we got pregnant and I could pick/choose my schedule. However if I don't wind up getting pregnant, having a full time job would be great... I just feel like I'm still waiting to become a "real grownup."

Till next time...

Back to the Drawing Board...

I got called today with the results from the blood test... I still didn't ovulate...so what that means is that we get to start all over again, just with a higher dose for the pill I had to take to make me ovulate... oh goodie!

But it will all be worth it in the end if we get a little angel in the end :)

Ebb and Flow of Life

Today I had to get another blood test... my experience was icky... I first went in and a student went to draw my blood. I let them know right away that I have a tendency of fainting when I get my blood drawn (yes I'm a nerd like that)... So the tech has me lay down and he tries to look for veins in both arms...that didn't work, so then he asked me if he could draw from my hand. I have had my blood drawn from my hand before, and I told him okay. He tried...and nothing came out but he sure rooted around and it hurt! After I flinched he pulled the needle out and then got the regular full fledged tech...she wasn't any better. My blood was so slow moving despite drinking water like crazy for the past couple of days... grrr Tomorrow I should get news on whether or not my progesterone levels have gone up (which would mean I have ovulated and/or are pregnant). Only time will tell and it's all in God's hands.

Anywho... Today Matt found out he won tickets at work to go and watch the Seahawks play a scrimmage game at their practice field...I've never seen the 'hawks play in person before, so it should be exciting!

In the picture is my bruise left over from last Monday's blood draw...it looks much better than it has been! And the dark purple one is my new one...

Hope all are alright!