Sickness = putting fertility treatment on hold this cycle.

So, Monday-Wednesday of this week I was/am supposed to go to see my OB/GYN to get my mid-cycle check up...  When I called last week from Fl to make the appointment, their answering service kept answering...so I wasn't able to make an appointment... Which is a good thing I guess since I have a cold and feel like crud... and don't wanna go anywhere.  Today I called the doc, found out she is gone this week, so the OB/GYN that stepped in for her last time she was gone (the one that really hurt me) would be the one to see me...  that is reason #2 to go this cycle...  I also cannot afford the "trigger" shot this month as we have to pay rent and just came back from a vacay....  Our insurance doesn't pay for the Ovidrel and they are $110... and the Femara  I already took to make me ovulate cost $85 for 5 pills!  Another thing my insurance doesn't cover... so we will see if my egg releases on its own and my period comes on its on...or hopefully I get preggers and it won't come. :)

I'm supposed to hear back from my OB/GYN's office tomorrow on if they want me to come in for the ultrasound... which will be a torture-sound for me b/c of the person who will be doing it on me...


Will let you know if I survive... :)

Vacation Recovery :)

So the rest of our vacation went well... although I have to say that being away from home on Christmas doesn't really feel like Christmas at all...But I'm glad to be home.  Starting on Christmas night I started to not feel so hot... and it got worse and worse.  By the time we were on the plane, I had a fever and was blowing my nose like crazy...I was so out of it.  I wanted nothing but to get back home and crawl into bed.  At least our flight from Salt Lake City home went by quickly...but then again I think I fell asleep somewhere in there as well...

Yesterday was a blurr.. I know we went to breakfast...and watched a movie... but I can't remember much more than that... oh yea, I went and got some cold meds and some OJ from McDonalds. :)

Today went a lot better.  I still feel like crud, but I am getting better by the hour.  Now that the meds are in me and working... I have taken it easy... I even played a video game for like 4 hours (Something I never do)...and my mommy made us nummy dinner...  I am ready for bed (even though it's only 7:31pm... but I guess it's 10:31pm Floridian time for me :) ).

I'm looking forward to feeling at least 80% tomorrow and then I can go to Starbucks and use my gift card for something nice and warm!  I wish they had Cafe Con Leche (Something Matt's cousin introduced me to at a Cuban Bakery while in Florida...mmmm mmm good!)

Although it wasn't that warm down in Florida, we got a couple of good days before the freezing weather came in.  I'm glad we went, I enjoyed the company we had, and I am thankful for our friends and family. It was a great time, and we definitely got spoiled.

Hope all are doing well!

Extremely Tired...but still kickin'

Greetings to all!  I hope everyone is doing well and ready to celebrate the Holidays here!  Everything has been so "go go go" that I kind forgot how close Christmas really was.  So far we have had our fair share of headaches on this trip (Matt's watch being stolen, Thrifty Car Rental taking more money than needed), but I think things are turning around.  We got back some of the money, my ticket that didn't come from the debit card points thing has now been shipped to me here in Florida by my mom and dad (it was a team effort)... so now I can go to Universal and Matt will only have to pay for his ticket and I will get to ride ET! :)

It's 1:15am here right now, so I have to get to bed...but I promise to write more later!

Toodles!

First Day in Orlando

Woke up at 3am in Kirkland. Father in law gave us ride to airport. No problems with checking in or the flight.

Arrived in Orlando, collected baggage and made way to Thrifty for our rental car. 7 months ago Beth reserved the car for us. No problems. Guy at the counter kept trying to add many, many extra things to the account that I didn't need. Our bill, which was to be 290 for the week, with gas crept to $675. Told him know, I did not approve. Made him go back and change it.

I authorized $290. Get to hotel and see email from chase showing that $675 was taken from my account. Jerk.

Called Thrifty. They transferred me to another division. They couldn't help, tried to tell me it was my fault. After a few minutes of me explaining how the CSD rep was wrong, he told me *I* would have to call his supervisor on Monday, at 9am, to get satisfaction.

I dislike Thrifty. Very much.

Packing Time!

I came home last night to discover that Beth has begun packing for our trip. Big difference between us, she is planning ahead and I'm thinking that waiting until late Friday night will be okay. We're not packing my stuff yet since I apparently still need to have something to wear for the next couple of days.

Still need to purchase some park hopper passes. I received a reminder from the resort we're staying at that we're scheduled to check in Saturday afternoon. I'm not sure how they could think I'd forget that. But there you have it.

I've printed off directions to the resort from the airport. Should minimize getting lost. Hopefully.

I think a vacation will do a bit of good to relieve stress. What do you all think?

TMI STUFF..... Matt, you have been warned, you have no excuses :)

SO AGAIN CONSIDER THIS YOUR WARNING IF YOU DON"T LIKE GROSS HUMAN ANATOMY STUFF...


Last night my monthly friend came.  Two months in a row where my cycle is semi-working on its own now (without taking progesterone to get it)!  Of course I rather of had my "Christmas Miracle" and gotten a positive Pg test... but this is still great progress from where I was even 4 months ago!  All in good time; I am still working on being patient... but I know that God will bless us at some point with a child; somehow.  Trust is hard, especially when you read about people trying to have kids for 10+ years!  I am a product of that... my parents tried to have me for 10 years.  Although their infertility was for different reasons than mine.

Anyways, at least my "friend" will be over with in the beginning of the vacation.

Hope all of you guys are well!

Good Article

From time to time I look on this website: www.bustedhalo.com.   I really like some of the articles that come across there.  It is an online "spiritual" magazine, for all faiths.  One of the things I am most afraid of when God blesses me with a baby in the womb is the birth.  I know a lot of women don't look forward to carrying their child for 9 months... and that is the hard part.  For me it's always been the fear of giving birth.  So this article caught my eye and  even though I am not preggers yet, it puts things into perspective and helped calm my fear a little bit. Enjoy!

December 10th, 2010

Fear and Pregnancy During Advent

by Vanessa Gonzalez Kraft

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I’m 30 weeks pregnant now, 40 weeks is the due date, and I cannot ignore the inevitable.  Up until this point I haven’t really had to come to grips with giving birth to my second child.  I’ve been able to avoid thinking about it because of how far off it seemed but now I have to face it.  Physically, there is no way for me to avoid the fast-approaching day when this baby (God willing) will enter this world.  I’ve been clipping corners in my house and hitting my belly with the refrigerator door because it is getting that much in the way now.  I even have to take an extra step back when I open drawers and have to consciously position the seatbelt and seat when I’m driving.

I think that God purposefully made pregnancy last so long because by the end of it fear is replaced by the sheer readiness to no longer be pregnant.  Replaced by almost exasperation to get this baby out just so your body doesn’t have to bear the weight and waddling anymore.  But I’m not there yet.  I can’t help but feel this looming fear.  When I really think about it, I know, in my head, that this fear is unreasonable.  The reward of a new baby is worth the nine months of pregnancy and the pain and uncertainty of birth.  But I still get knots in my stomach at the thought of going through child birth again.

Some of our friends just had their second child.  We went to visit them and got to hold their new little one.  It made me so excited to think about holding our new baby when the day comes.  As Christmas approaches, I can’t help but feel a little sad that this baby won’t be born in time to celebrate Christmas with us this year.

I love having kids; it’s the birthing part that is the struggle.  Being pregnant and giving birth is just such a paradox.  It’s hard in the best of ways.  It’s scary in the most exciting of ways.  It’s painful in the most purposeful and fruitful of ways.

When Brandon and I got married we took the “we promise to openly and lovingly accept children from God” seriously, regardless of my fear of birth.  This is obviously a fear that God wants me to confront repeatedly.  There is just something so out-of-my-control about giving birth.  You don’t know the time or the place it is going to happen.  You don’t know if there are going to be complications.  You don’t know how fast it’s going to go.  But the hardest part is anticipating the pain.  You don’t know if contractions will be worse or easier than the first baby.  You don’t know if you’re going to be able to handle the pain naturally or if you’re going to give in and get pain medicine.

I pray about it a lot.  I know that giving birth is just one day (hopefully) and we get a beautiful child at the end of it. I keep telling myself that: it’s just one day.  One hard day.  I’ve been through hard days before: my first day of teaching; when I had to lip sync R-E-S-P-E-C-T alone in front of my speech class in the 8^th grade; when I ran a marathon.  I had months to prepare for all these things and just the thought of any of these activities made my palms sweat.  But I got through them all.

I also like to think of Sts. Perpetua and Felicity.  These two women were mothers and martyrs.  They were both arrested for being Christians and sentenced to death in the arena where they were attacked by a “savage cow” (a bull I would assume) and eventually killed by gladiators.  Both these women walked into the arena, not full of fear, but as if they were entering heaven.  Their faith took away their fear of bodily pain and focused them on their reward, heaven.  This may seem a bit dramatic but if these women can face this sort of torturous death with joy, then I should be able to face child birth with courage and joy, too.

As I’ve been meditating and praying, I’ve realized how Advent is a good time for me to face my fear.  During her pregnancy, I’m sure Mary had moments of fear and uncertainty.  She had a long journey from Nazareth to Bethlehem.  She had to have been nervous about giving birth to Jesus away from her family and hometown.  Maybe she was nervous that she was going to go into labor in the middle of nowhere.  At the very least, riding a donkey while nine months pregnant must have been extremely uncomfortable. Her faith in God, I’m sure, is what brought her peace and comfort.

During Advent we are supposed to be preparing ourselves for the coming of Christ.  It is supposed to be a time of great hope.  A hope that will dispel the darkness.  I suspect this Advent, God wants me to focus on preparing for the coming of Christ in the form of the little one that keeps kicking me and refuses to stop kicking even when I’m trying to sleep.  During Mass this past Sunday, the pastor spoke about how fear can drive out hope.  If we let fear take over, we quickly fall into despair and misery.  I see how easy it is for me to become so overrun by fear that I forget what a gift it is to be pregnant in the first place.  What a blessing it is, despite any pain or discomfort I’ve had to go through, to have a child.    I have to cling to the hope that, even if the fear doesn’t go away, God will get me through giving birth again.  Maybe I can even hope a little in having an easier time than the first.

More blood tests....

TMI DISCLOSER.... CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED! :)

So last Friday I got a call from my doctor and she let me know that my progesterone levels were normal...which meant that I did ovulate (yay!).  But she wants me go to back in sometime this week to get another blood test for Progesterone to see if my levels are still normal, or if they do not sustain themselves.  This is the next thing to work on, now that my cycle has been "reset".  They think that one of the reasons I suffered a miscarriage before was because my progesterone levels didn't sustain the pregnancy before the placenta was formed and could take over.  

I'm still not stressing over whether or not I'm pregnant right now.  Of course I want more than anything to be, but  I think I am finally learning to be patient with what God's plan is for us.  

I do still have a strong sense of smell, I have been nauseous the past 4 days... my ladies are still a little sore, but nothing huge.  One thing that is different, and this is where it gets TMI is that not so much today, but yesterday and for the two days before I had a lot of cervical mucus.  Is this normal?  Either way... pregnancy or no pregnancy... I've never had this or heard of this.  I did some research online and I found that it can be a sign of pregnancy; but I think it's too soon for a mucus plug I dunno... Maybe it's just b/c everything is in working order so it's "making up for lost time"  ha ha ha

Ok, that is where we are at in the baby making tale of my life...

Sunshine

The title of this Blog is for two reasons... one, I will be in the Florida Sun in 5 days!  I cannot wait for my vacation to start!  It is so needed, I cannot even tell you how much! :)

The second reason this is that this week will be very hard because a cat that I have had since I was 11 years old (she is now my mom's) will more than likely be put to sleep.  Her name is Sunshine, or Sunni for short.  A couple of years ago we took her to the vet and the vet told us that she had the beginning of kidney failure.  She's always been a small kitty, but in the past year or so she's lost all of her weight and only weighs about 2 or 3lbs now... she's about as heavy as a kitten.  On Saturday night my mom called me downstairs to let me know that she couldn't walk anymore and had to be held up to go to the restroom or eat... her will was there, and Sunni was visibly frustrated with her body not doing what she wanted it to do.  The next day she was found on the floor, she had hobbled to the hallway and was laying down.  She was eating like a cow, and she ate like 4 cans of cat food right in a row.  Today she was walking, albeit still with much labor...  It's really hard for my mom because while I was away at college and after I got married, Sunni has been my mom's companion and would be very lonely.   It really is affecting her, so much so that she wants to try and see if she can survive a little while longer.  I really feel like she needs to be put down, she is 16 and has had a good life.  I hate knowing she won't be around; but like Matt always says, "Pets are a tragedy waiting to happen."  Death is a part of life.

But in the midst of all the pain, some really good things have happened to us lately.  I can't really talk about them, but I am very thankful and Matt and I are truly blessed.  We were before the good things too, but it's nice to have a break once and awhile.

I have so much to do before our trip; but for some strange reason I'm not stressed out about it... things are just working out!  Plus I get to see my niece in her Christmas Pageant on Wednesday!  I'm so excited!

Ok, that's it for now with "regular life stuff"  the next post will be a TMI on baby stuff. :)

Hello Everyone!

This week has been so life giving.  I love kiddos... They are such joys, even when they are frustrating and don't listen to their guest teacher. :)    I've had the privilege of working at a local Catholic school for most of the week... first two days was with 1st grade and today was in 3rd grade.  I am so amazed with how bright these little buggars are. :)


On Tuesday I had my blood test for my progesterone levels... the guy who drew my blood was really nice. I was asking about my necklace... I wear a necklace that has the crucifix on it, along with a medallion for St. Gerard my sister in law gave me and another one that she gave me as well for when I had my miscarriage.  He was complimenting me on them and asked if I was Catholic and what the story behind the saint medal was.  I told him that when I was pregnant the first time my sister in law gave it to me (she had bought it during her pregnancy with my nephew) because the saint is the patron saint of expectant mothers or those who wish to become mothers.  He thought that was so cool and he told me that he was Catholic as well and we started talking about the Feast of the Immaculate Conception which was the next day (A Holy Day of Obligation for Catholics).  He was inquiring about the various mass times of the churches around, since he had a work schedule that wouldn't allow him to attend a mass-or so he thought.  But I was able to tell him the mass times of a few places, I hope he made it.  But he was very encouraging about my situation and I told him a little bit of my situation and we parted with him telling me that God will bless me, and to trust... and I felt really happy having met him and had that time to speak with him.  I love talking about my faith; not trying to shove it down someone's throat, or anything...but if someone has questions or wants to talk about it, I really appreciate that... I don't like religious debates per se (what is more my hubby)...but sharing I guess it what it would more be like.  But anytime I can discuss/show my faith; especially outside the confounds of church... it's always a nice little surprise.

It's funny, as I write this, two days after the encounter, I have almost completely forgotten... I haven't been obsessing over the fact that I haven't gotten the test results yet...and I'm not obsessively wondering if little signs I'm experiencing are indicators of pregnancy...I've been praying to God to let me be patient and to not have me so stressed out or uptight about it... I feel like I'm always on pins and needles awaiting a month long "test result"...

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.... I WILL BE TMI-ing here about body parts and procedures on baby making :)

I know I did ovulate though, my temperature went up for a few days in a row... today it went down the cover line (avg basal temp readings)... I have looked up stuff and in some cases a "temperature dip" below the cover line can indicate pregnancy... as long as the temperature dip is only for one or two days.  My "ladies" are also sore once again... and my sense of smell has really kicked in!  I mean unbelievably so... today I was in the classroom and I smelt this mold smell... kind of like a piece of fruit that had rotten to a green gob of goo...  was looking under the desk and way in the back corner (under the desk drawers) was a bag with old moldy tupperware (closed tightly)... I was smelling that... and I would get little whiffs of it all the time and it made me so nauseous.  I'm not normally a "sick to my stomach" type girl, nor do smells usually get to me like that.  So maybe I've developed a new super human power... who knows :)


OK BACK TO NORMAL TALK:

Tomorrow I teach at the school I did my student teaching at.  I am definitely excited about that.  I also got a sub job lined up for January already!  It's weird to think that 2011 is right around the corner... wasn't it just 2000?

Alright y'all... Lots of Love, Peace and Joy!

Advent Season

For the past week I have been posting daily Advent reflections on my facebook page.  It was funny, as I was reading these reflections and prayers; I noticed how much they pertained to me and my mood and what Matt and I have been going through.  A lot of messages about slowing down, to stop stressing about things/put our trust in the Lord, being patient and to stop watching the clock and stressing about time.  This period of time is meant for reflection and praying for the birth of Jesus.  It offers everyone a breath of fresh air from all the hustle and bustle of the retail world that is screaming at you to buy buy buy! It offers us a time to step back and to prepare ourselves for Christ's light.

In conjunction with that, I must say that I have been going through a personal Advent... where I feel as if we are right on the edge of something... hopefully it is something better.  Even if it isn't, I pray that we will have the strength and faith to get through it.  We are faced with a lot of varying challenges and unknowns right now, and like I said in my previous entry, it's all coming at a head, all at once.  I have found that my mood has been getting darker, matching the light of day, or lack there of in the evenings.  I don't like this; I want to feel happy and energized.  I have never felt this sluggish or lack of motivation before, and I hope that it is just a passing phase; but to tell you the truth, a lot of it stems from loneliness and going from one place to another, doing a lot of things, but at the same time, not feeling as if things are truly done/finished to my liking; or others.  But as mentioned before, I feel as if light is about to come burst through into my life. That I will look back on this time and kinda laugh at myself for being so worried or silly about something as small (even though it seems like Mr. Everest right now).

In "baby makin' news" according to my "Fertility Friend" online tracker I use; I did ovulate... although I totally missed it (in regards to other signs)...  But I am glad that this new medication seems to be working for me.  I will take a blood test later this week to determine whether or not my progesterone levels went up.  Last time they were "normal"... so that let the docs know that I did ovulate for sure.  The coolest thing would be to find out if we were pregnant on Christmas!  Not that I'm praying for that or anything :P

In nerd news, the new expansion for World of Warcraft comes out tomorrow... I will be spending some good time on it tomorrow evening.... that is if I can log on due to the large numbers of people trying to do the same... last time it was insane trying to log on... waits of up to 30min or 45min!  

Another thing I am excited for is getting out of the house and doing something I truly love... teaching!  I have jobs for the rest of the week!  I can't wait!

I hope you all are doing well and you are experiencing many blessings in your lives!

So Yesterday Was a Tough Day...

I was not a happy camper yesterday...The night before we received a letter from our landlord complaining of stuff in the yard that wasn't taken care of (and was to be taken care of at our expense, i.e. fertilizing the yard and moss killer stuff for the roof)... which was never discussed in the first place.  The only thing the lease mentions it to leave the property the way it was given to us, which was unmowed and full of weeds...  He complained about the weeds and that there was no "edging" on the side of the driveway... well it was Nov. when they came, you should've come in the summer when the yard was lookin' pretty good...and no, I'm not going to mow in the muddy condition the yard is in now.  It's so annoying... so I spent the night fuming about that and didn't fall asleep until 2:30ish in the morning...

Woke up the next morning to another annoyance...also to do with money and housing issues...  and it just sort of kept me in a bad mood from there... had to do a bunch of running around, and had no patience for it, tried my best though.  I had too much to do yesterday and not enough time to do it in.  Because of said morning annoyance, I started worrying about our Florida trip and money for that and money for rent and other bills and how I just didn't care if I crawled under a rock and stayed there instead of going to WDW.  The good thing is we have flights there and back and a place to stay...we just might not get to do as much as we wanted to do.

At the same time, God has blessed us with a lot, I couldn't really see it yesterday- I was just a ball of stress... The night ended in Matt and I getting in a little tift, but we talked it out.  I am really blessed to have such a supportive husband, especially when I'm frazzled and he's not feeling too hot himself and he has to reign me in.  At the same time, there are some major things going down in my extended family, and I am worried about the happiness and safety for all involved...  So I really do need this vacation, but I also worry about making and keeping everyone happy...

At the same time the Ovidrel shot isn't doing me any favors b/c it's making me hormonal x 100....I just feel defeated... I was talking with my mom yesterday and I told her I feel like a sail that has been torn in a bunch of different places.  But  the tears are being held together with strings.... and as soon as one torn section flaps loose, I spend my time trying to get it back in...when another string comes untied and starts to flap in another place... and it keeps doing that.  I understand that this is life, but sometimes I just want a break from the struggles that seem to happen more and more frequent as time goes on. I see so many people suffering, and I know what I am going through is only a fraction of what others out there are going through; and I am thankful that for the most part we are taken care of.   Like I said, God has blessed me with a lot, both Matt and I; and I do appreciate the crosses I have to bear at times...but sometimes I wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel, just for a brief break; and some of these struggles can be resolved.  I just hate how everything is up in the air for us right now; and maybe that is God's way of making sure we lean more on Him and live on faith; I just pray for the strength to keep going and to keep positive.  It's hard to see my  mom struggle with all she has to bear and then be strong for her as well... but I am so thankful for her and all that she does and the little sacrifices she makes, even if I do not always acknowledge it.

And I know that this time, even 4 months from now, things will be different a much of the "what ifs" we are struggling with today will be answered.  Some of those things are huge, and I just hope it works out and we follow the path we are meant to.

So, that's my rant.  I do feel better today, still numb in some areas, but better.  Things have to get better, there is no other way.  God bless you all.