Updates and a couple of thoughts...

Hello,
Summer has kept me way too busy...but its been a summer of growth.

Matt and I continue to attend our adoption support group once a month.  It's so helpful to be part of a community where so many of the couples are in different steps in the adoption process...it is really a blessing in a lot of ways to have another avenue for support and guidance as we begin to go down this road... We haven't yet, we are still "getting our toes wet"...

To be honest, I have felt so overwhelmed with everything... I feel like life is whizzing by a million miles a minute, and as soon as I have completed one juggling rotation, another ball is added to the mix...As usual, I feel stuck, and I don't quite know what to do right now... I'm tired of taking baby steps...of waiting for something to happen, and yet I don't know how to 'make things happen'... This frustrated Matt, because he doesn't seem to get it, nor understand when I get into these funks...

We have been taking steps to take better care of ourselves health wise...we are close (i.e. about a year off) from paying most of our debt off...and yet the things I want the most, a baby, house, job seem to be getting further and further away... We can't begin the adoption process until we can pay for a home study, and one of the things of the home study is to have a savings... I've had 7 interviews this summer, still no one wants me, yet they all say how much they like me...I feel like I am spinning my wheels and "wasting" the best years of my life waiting to land a teaching job...Here I am, almost 30 years old and I have NEVER made more than 15k/year... I should be at the top of my game right now...there are times I want to just give up on teaching, but doing that is like killing a piece of me off... not to mention losing all the connections I have made and the experiences I have had... if I wanted to come back to teaching after awhile, I would have to start over again ...and I don't want to give up on teaching, but is there room for me?  People tell me not to give up...but I feel like I am about to break...

I feel inadequate... I can't get pregnant, I can't contribute financially that much to our household...and I am working all the time...and sometimes feel like I have nothing to show for it, even though the rational side of me tells me that is not true...I am doing a  lot of good... I just don't know some times. I'm so frustrated...and that frustration is bleeding in to how I feel about myself, and see myself...and I hate always feeling like a 'Debbie Downer' as Matt calls me.  So I guess that is another reason I haven't written in awhile...

This week was especially tough because it was the 3rd anniversary of my miscarriage...and I know Aldora is up their in heaven praying for her mommy and daddy...and it wasn't a 'sad' day for me, but I just thought about it a lot...and I yearn so much to hold a little one in my arms...it takes over my every thought...and so many of the people I know have kiddos or are pregnant or just had a baby...which is all very wonderful and such a blessing...but it's hard some days...to sit there and listen to the stories, or hold other people's babies when all I want is to be able to hold our own child.  Don't worry, I'm not about to go steal another person's baby or anything, and I know all of this sounds kinda strange, especially if you have never experienced or wanted something so badly...I just feel like I've been told 'no' so much lately, or to wait...and I am so sick of it!

On the other hand I am tired...and I need a break from life. ha ha... our 5 year anniversary is coming up, and all I want to do is to get away...but I have fear that that won't even be able to happen...and at the same time if it doesn't, then I don't be surprised...and maybe that means what money we would have had to do something will go towards bills or saving...

It's helped that at work, a coworker of mine just passed her 1st trimester...she has struggled for years to get pregnant and has suffered many miscarriages...and for the first time I have someone I can talk to  about this journey...and I know I've talked to others about it, but usually they have not experienced it (which doesn't discredit them by any means), but sometimes it helps to talk to someone that knows how you are feeling, and can legitimately tell you that how you are feeling/thinking is not totally crazy, and kinda normal reactions/thoughts. I am so happy for her and her husband!  I pray that she has an easy pregnancy.

So...all of this has got me thinking even more about adoption...and even with adoption you can still "lose" your child...Mom can change her mind, birth mom can make crazy demands before the baby is born and things can fall through... I had no idea that in some cases, if you go through private adoption, the adoptive parents could be responsible for paying for part or all of the birth mom's rent and food and utilities!  Everything is so overwhelming!


And I feel like I'm in this race...and I'm sorely losing because we are in the same place we were 5 years ago when we got married... (well not really, we are in a different house, I have a masters degree and now we have 3 cats)...but figuratively speaking...Neither one of us is getting any younger...And I think I haven't written a post in a long time because I don't like being so doom and gloom...that isn't me...but I don't know how else to handle things right now...I keep trying to fill this hole I feel inside with other things, and nothing appeases it...and nothing will until I get a job, have a child and get a house (so we can have a dog LOL)...

And at the same time, even as I type this I feel guilty for complaining about these things I *don't* have...when I have so much...and when there are so many around me who are suffering...I do realize that, and appreciate the things I do have.  For instance, one of my best friends growing up just lost her dad last weekend...I don't even know what I'd do if that were me...


Ugh.... Lord please give me strength... I am in need of some quality friend time and possibly a large bottle of wine...

Well those are my jumbled emotions after a long week of camp and hot hot weather!  I am going to go to bed.... hopefully I will be more collected, and not let the emotional gremlins get to me so much tomorrow...

Pray for me and I will pray for you too! :)

Thankful

I am so thankful for the adoption support group we have joined.  Unfortunately we were unable to attend last night's monthly meeting, however the leaders still sent us e-mails of encouragement and gave us tips on what we need to do next.  I'm so blessed to have a support like this, that is helping us through all these steps.  I am hoping that we get a lot of bills paid off this summer, and then we can seriously start to tackle our home study and pay for it. LOL.


Life wise, we're just busy as ever.  The school year is winding down and I am fortunate enough to have sub jobs going all the way till the end of school!  I can't believe it's summer already, however you wouldn't know it with the weather we've had...we've had one day of sun in June so far!  blech!


I have two interviews this week for a permanent teaching job!  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers!


Hope everyone is doing well!  Remember to be thankful for little blessings!
~Beth

Special Delivery Part Deux

Matt and I had such a great time at Special Delivery last Monday.  We learned so much and the environment was so positive and helpful.  I feel discouraged by most of the people we have talked to about adoption, and I know it is a process...but going to Special Delivery, I felt for the first time that I was hearing positive side of things.


One of the things I really liked and appreciate about S.D. is that they really are there for the mothers who are giving up their babies.  Where as most agencies and lawyers we have heard from don't really talk much about the birth moms, or about how positive it is to keep in contact with the birth mom.  As soon as the birth mother decides that she wants to give her child up for adoption, she begins her grieving...it's almost like her child has died.  S.D. does so much for the moms (both those that choose to raise their children and those who decide to give their child up for adoption).  They have support groups, other people who take these mothers in after they have their child, and a special ceremony where the families come together and celebrate the adoption of the baby.  I really like the idea of having the birth mom be like a cousin to our family, before and after the child is born.  There were some really great things others have done to include the mom's, so that they are not feeling not only guilty about giving up their baby, but feel like they are in a way, part of the family as well.  A couple of the ideas I really liked was to let the mom think of a middle name for the child they are carrying.  What person doesn't think of names while they are pregnant.  That way, the child would have something the birth mom gave them, and would carry it with them.  Another thing I really liked was including the birth mom in decorating the nursery, and registering for baby shower items together, and picking out the outfit the baby would come home in from the hospital.  


The ladies who run S.D. also cautioned that there would be a period of awkwardness after the baby was born and handed over to the adopting parents.  They were really close, and now it's grieving and panic all set in b/c they only have a limited amount of time before the baby is fully in the adoptive parents care.  There were so many positive stories of both bio mom's and dad's who wanted to come and be active in the lives of their kiddo.  


S.D. seems to have a great track record as far as adoptions coming out of their facility.  Just since Dec of 2011, they have had 3 adoptions.  Catholic Community Services only had 3 in the whole year last year.  S.D. doesn't play favorites, nor do they charge for their services.  They simply hang onto parent biographies and present the families to the mother, and from there, the mother chooses.  This is something we could totally get rolling, but we would need to get our homestudy done first...and well...that's expensive.


We need to have $1500 at least for this step...I am hoping we can save up this amount of money by the end of the year.  We really want to have children, and while I had hoped to be a parent by Christmas this year, it's not looking like that is in the plan for right now.  But who knows, there is a lot of time between now and then, and I still could get hired as a full time teacher.


So I am just keeping my nose to the grind... I've been watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss edition, and this show is so inspirational... I appreciate that these people lose everything on their own (except for the skin removal at the end)- But they are holding down a job, and still working out...making time for themselves and because they go through these transformations slowly and purposefully, they stay healthy, even a year or more after taping.  


I've begun to not bring "bad" foods into the house as of late.  I have some ice cream to finish up, but that is it.  We do have chips, but they are whole grain, sweet potato chips...and I"m going to begin making recipes from www.skinnytaste.com  This website has really awesome food, and it's not only good for you, it tastes nummy!


I'm giving myself a goal to lose 30lbs by the end of this summer. I began tracking food and exercises on myfitnesspal.com - which is a really awesome site by the way.  It's interesting to see the meals I think are good for me, and realizing that, eh, not so much. LOL... Now that the weather is getting nicer, I plan on being more active- and with summer camp around the corner, I plan on putting myself more out there in terms of being more physical and playing around and running.  I am on my feet all day (except for when I drive)- but I don't always make sure I am out, running around.


My goal is to be getting up early in the morning (5:30amish) and going to the gym, or at least going out for a walk in the morning.  Another goal I have is to actually take the time to eat breakfast- and not just take it in the car and eat it on the way to work.  Finally, my last goal I want to implement is eating 5 small meals a day...because I have PCOS, I need to treat my body as if I have diabetes and keep my sugar levels balanced.

Now you know my goals... hopefully I will be able to stick to them.  I really wish I had a work out buddy or someone to help me along in this process...but I want to be healthier, not only for myself and all the scary things I might deal with health wise down the road; but for my future kids.  I've always had a lot of energy, but I want to show that, and be more active, instead of just wanting to do something all the time...and instead of using that energy surfing the net or playing WOW.


I'm excited for what will be.

Special Delivery

Tomorrow evening Matt and I will be attending an adoption info meeting at a local home for mothers who find themselves with child.  They must be at least 18 years old, commit to carrying the child to full term, and also must meet some other requirements.  They have support groups for before, during and after adoption and having a child, as well as support groups for grandmothers whose daughters have given their children up for adoption.  The house also helps to support mothers who decide to keep their children as well.

Last year, I, along with the help of my parish organized a 'baby shower' for Special Delivery, and were able to donate some much needed items for these mothers.  Again in February of this year, we also put together Shoe Boxes of Love, which held little lotions, soaps, gift cards, jewelry, note cards, etc in them...and we donated that to the mothers as well.  Little did I know at the time, we'd be attending one of their adoption seminars.

They are a Non-Profit Christian organization.  They do not charge for any of their services, however, we are still on our own with getting the home study complete.  Which reminds me, I still need to really research that... Anyways, we have had to fill out a bunch of papers and write narratives for this meeting already...They say that they keep our file on "file" and when birth mothers come to them, they try and match potential adoptive parents.   They even host an "adoption party" once the adoption is final...  I really hope that God is calling us down this path...and that we have a little one soon to call our very own.

I will write more about our meeting tomorrow.

On another note, I had a job interview today for teaching a 3rd grade gifted program.  I will hear on Friday...Keep us in your prayers, we really need them!

God Bless,
~Beth

Adoption Information and process options

Ok, as promised, I will do the best I can to spell out all the information I received through the adoption lawyer from the AWAIT meeting. :)

Public (DSHS)
When DSHS is called into a situation where CPS have to take a child or children out of a home, they get taken right to a foster home.  They remain there for 2-3 months while their parent(s) get rehabilitated (or put into place a plan to get better).  This process can last up to a year-long, depending on how bad the problems were at home.  If the parents cannot succeed in completing the program to get their child(ren) back, then their parental rights are terminated, and the child(ren) are legally considered adoptable.

They can also be legally "free" for adoption if CPS finds the child(ren) in a grossly negative/bad environment.

If one wanted to adopt through this option, everything would be free (except for court and lawyer fees).  The home study and paper work and foster license would also be free.  One would also need to take special classes to become certified.

Now...there is another track one can take while going through Public adoption.  They can do a Foster to adopt.  Most Foster homes don't want the option to adopt, they just want to be an available home for children for a few months at a time. With foster to adopt, the child could be placed with you, and then taken away, because it is not for certain that that child will become "legally free".

Sometimes when the state doesn't have the time/resource to properly over see an adoption or manpower to do so, they "contract out" to a private agency.  In this scenario, it is often times a faster way to adopt.  Through this process the private agency handles the home studies and the DSHS would work on Foster License part.  It is still unclear to me whether or not this option would be free like it would be if one went through the public agency.

After parents right have been terminated there is a legal process that must be followed and a court hearing/court adoption ceremony as well.

One thing to note, if one does go through DSHS for adoption, and after having the home study done, decides they no longer wish to go with DSHS as an option, they cannot take their home study with them..  They would need to get it done all over again.

Another note, if a child in the DSHS system is "legally free", one does not have to have a foster license, they only need a home study.

If you adopt through this route, you will get a monthly stipend from the state, as well as medical until the child is 18 years old.

You would still qualify for the full adoption tax refund.

Private Agency (30-40% of adoptions are through this method)
People who are handling the adoption process in a private agency may be more accessible than a DSHS worker.  These adoption counselors are more available to walk you through the process.  Usually when you go to a private agency there is a standard set of steps for every one:
-Orientation
-Home Study
-Photo Album
-Match up with birth mom ------> Mom chooses you as a couple
-Once you are picked, paper work to terminate her rights are drawn up, together with your lawyer.  In Washington, birth mothers may sign to terminate their parental rights before the baby is born.  However, those papers cannot be filed in court until a full 48 hours after a baby is born.  This may be dicey if a baby is born on a Thursday Night or Friday Night, as the lawyer could not file this petition until Monday.  Even a Wednesday Night after 5pm would be bad, since they could not file until 5pm on Friday, and by then the courts are closed for the weekend.  What an adoptive parent/couple can get is a temporary custody order, and the baby can go home with them as soon as they child is discharged from the hospital.  However, there are times when the adoptive mother changes their mind over the weekend and/or grandparents want to step in and help raise the child.  Even though grandparents have not rights to the baby in this state, they can be a heavy factor to deal with for the birth mother.  If the birth mother decides she wants to keep the baby, the baby must be taken back immediately from the potential adoptive parents and placed back into mom's custody.  If this happens, the adoptive parents go right back into the waiting pool.

The birth father is another obstacle on the way to parenthood.  If the birth mother does not know who the father is, or is estranged from the father- there must be a public announcement made in a local newspaper to invite the father to come to a court hearing if they do not want their parental rights terminated.  Often times the fathers do not come, and therefore it is assumed the father does not have any objections to the child getting adopted by another family.

Mothers who choose a private agency are giving their child up for adoption voluntarily, where as with DSHS, it is not always the case 99.9% of the time.

Costs for agency adoptions can be expensive...When Matt and I inquired through Catholic Community Services, it would be $20k (home study alone was $3,000!)  Most agencies I've seen charge between $500 and $1500 for a home study.

The adoptive parent(s) would NOT receive a monthly stipend or medical if adopted through a private agency.

Private/Non-agency (60%-70% of adoptions are through this route)


Through private/non-agency adoptions, birth parent(s) are usually giving their child up voluntarily.
In this route, you are out on your own trying to find a child through any means necessary.  Sometimes this means going online and looking at state adoption exchange websites, or placing your family profile up on perspective parents website for mothers to find and choose you.

Others in the support group we are beginning to attend began with a private agency (to get their home study done) and eventually did their own search as well.  They made flyers and videos and e-mailed and mailed letters out to their friends, family members, clergy, doctors, hair stylists, etc.  From that, two people were able to find their infants.  Sometimes the adoptive parent must go to another state, but it's all worth it in the end. :)

More often than not, the websites that host adoptive parent profiles are hard to catch birth mothers on because one can never be so sure about what is being presented on the internet.  But if someone says to a birth mother, I now my cousin's, friend's, neighbor is looking to adopt someone, even if they have never directly met, that connection and word of mouth, can go a long way.


Other Info:
- Home Study: A lot goes into a home study.  Everything from birth records, wedding certificate and clean bills of health from the doctor.  As well as an actual home evaluation and review of finances and reference letters, etc.

-After a child has been placed in a home, someone will come by within 3 months to do a post-placement report.  They may check in from time to time every 6 months thereafter.

-A lot of times birth moms would like to have updates on the child they have given up for adoption.  The degree of "openness" is up to you.  You can agree to many different things, from setting up a blog site like this where you can post updates and pictures, or something like a photobucket account.  You can also set when you will up date her.  Others have no problem with having the birth mom be part of the family.  Another option, and I think this is something I'd like to do (Haven't really talked it over with Matt yet), but I'd like to leave it up to the mom; if she would like updates on her child, she will have to be the one to inquire about it through a special e-mail I will have set up.

-There are grants out there to help with adoption costs, however, in most cases, the home study has to be done... This will be hard for us, since just getting the home study will be a financial burden!  Argh... (Unless we go through DSHS, and we usually won't get much of a choice that way of the age we will get)

Here are some ideas:
-kickstarter.com
-helpusadopt.org
just look up adoption grants on google, and you should be able to find some help.


Matt and I still haven't fully decided what we are doing yet, we are going to an info meeting for a private-agency in the beginning of June.  I feel stuck and overwhelmed with all the possibilities and challenges...and yet I am optimistic and excited for what will be in store for us.  And yet, I am scared of the very real possibility that this will be a long road of heartbreak- but we will never know until we try...

Some Good Information

Hello Y'all, 
I hope everyone is doing well out there in internet-land. hah!


Earlier this week, Matt and I had the opportunity to join an adoption support group that meets once a month.  I can't help but feel that God has led us to this group in the most unassuming way.  It all began when I was talking with a fellow youth leader at church, and I she knew that we were looking to adopt, but Catholic Community Services was way too much.  She had said a fellow parishioner had come by earlier in the week and brought her newly adopted son in to meet everyone.  Well, she put me in contact with this individual, and we exchanged a few e-mails.  It just so happened that this woman attended the same mass one Sunday, and she approached me and asked me if I'd like to come to their adoption support group meeting that meets once a month.


Matt and I decided to attend Monday's meeting, and we are so happy we did.  There are 3 other couples/parties who are looking to adopt right now- all through different means.  The two facilitators have both recently adopted little ones and the guest speaker for the night was one of Seattle's top adoption lawyers.  I was sure to take thorough notes during that meeting! lol 


We are so ready for a little one, and yet I am so lost as to how to begin the adoption process.  The people at the support group were great, and so helpful, and it's awesome they are all in different steps of the process...But for us right now, it's really a money thing.  I know there are places out there that will give you grants, and yes, there is a $12k + tax credit, but that's after you have paid out of pocket.  The first thing we need to have done is a home-study and that runs $500-1500 (and in Catholic Community Services case, 3k)... I then worry about our other responsibilities and bills...and I feel panicked.  How are we ever going to afford adoption, if we keep getting setbacks in other areas...Then I feel guilty for wanting to go on a vacation or if I buy something new, because that was something that could be saved towards bills or adoption...Then I heard my mom's voice, which she's told me on many occasions, "If you really wanted something, you would do everything in your power to get it, and not spend the money,"  So then I feel guilty even more...and it becomes one vicious cycle.  Sometimes being a grown up is difficult! LOL.  


I have to get going, but in my next post, I will post the notes from the adoption meeting in case anyone is interested in the adoption process/options in WA state.


Until then....

I heard this powerful song for the first time today...it's so emotional, and hopeful at the same time.  I'm glad I found it.  I pray for all of those out there who are struggling through trying to conceive.  And I pray also for those that do conceive, that no matter what the situation, they truly know what they have growing inside of them...that that little life will bring them so much joy and love- even through the tough times.


I want to tell my family thank you for a wonderful Mother's Day.  I didn't expect to get cards and gifts; but I did.  I'm really excited for a necklace my brother and sister in law got me.  Its a necklace with our angel baby's name on it, 'Aldora'.  Even though I am a mom, it's still hard for me to feel like I deserve or even get to partake in "mothers day" things, because I'm not an earthly mom...I still feel like it's not something for me yet.  But like our priest said during mass, we are moms as well, and it doesn't take away from mom's who have "living" kiddos on earth.  I'm paraphrasing a lot...but that was the gist of it.


I've recently started following the Creighton Method of NFP...I'm interested in seeing what NaPro technology can do for me, and this is part of that whole process.  I like that the Creighton model looks at the signs and can pin point exactly what may be going on, and then fix what they can...instead of trying to put a band-aid on it or treat it with meds that don't really address anything. So far I've followed it for a month, and just had my first check in with my fertility counselor/adviser. I look forward to seeing what everything will look like in a couple of months, and maybe get some different help than what I've been receiving so far.


Other than that, I have been trying to not get sick.... I've been keeping a cold at bay for the past few days, and I think today it's finally caught up, but I believe that if I keep resting, I will be good tomorrow.  There's just been so much going on in my life as of late, that I haven't been taking very good care of myself.

On another front, if I am feeling well, tomorrow, Matt and I are going to a support group for parents who are wanting to adopt.  An adoption lawyer will be present and will answer questions people may have about the process.  I know adoption isn't "free", but I am hoping for some good news.  On the 5th of June we are meeting with another placement agency to see what their steps are for adoption.

I hope all are well.

Ok, so I haven't posted on here in awhile... Actually I did post, and then my internet crashed...and erased this whole entry I had written!  blah...but I am back again.

So, back on that entry I had written before.... I was explaining how Lent was a great source of spiritual journey for me this year.  I started out focused, and full of hope for whatever lay ahead of us, and for the most part it stayed that way.  But about two weeks in, Matt and I were hit by the frustrations and sadness that goes along with 'not having children' yet... While Matt was on his Lenten retreat, he had a chance to sit down with our Pastor and discuss with him his hurts and frustrations about the miscarriage that still linger on today.  I was able to do the same, but during confession, with out pastor as well...and Father Frank told us that we are still parents.  Because at the moment of conception, a soul is created in the womb...which I already knew, but I think for the first time it really resonated, and Father explained that we have a soul up in heaven that is praying for us.  We have a little angel, and although we didn't get the chance to ever hold our little one, she is still ours, and she did exist.  Father both encouraged Matt and I to name our little one...

Naming our Baby:
What's in a Name?  This is something Juliet ponders in Shakespeare's famous play, Romeo and Juliet. I think this was the hardest thing to do, especially because our little one is up in Heaven.  It's amazing the amount of healing (healing I already thought had happened for me) has occurred since giving our little on a name. Matt and I talked, and we both felt that our child was a baby girl.  This makes sense especially because by the time she went back to heaven (at 8 weeks gestation), we wouldn't have been able to tell the gender of that baby anyways.
After about an hour or more searching on the internet for possible names, we finally agreed on one.  What do you name a child who gave you such hope, that you loved instantly, never met, and at the same time, have a deep sense of longing for?  I know for some this may seem silly, because there are much worse scenarios out there, where families have suffered losses towards the end of their pregnancies, or even stillbirths, and of course, a death of a child later on in their lives...I sometimes feel guilty for having this loom over me sometimes, because after all, I didn't go through what others have, and am I really entitled to feeling this deep sense of loss just the same?  I have decided that yes, I am, because even though I may not have had the chance to hold my baby in my arms, or comfort it while it was crying; I was told that I'd never be able to have children...and in those short 8 weeks, I was given a gift to be able to carry life within me, that I never thought possible.

So what do you name a child who is a precious gift?  That was called back to heaven?  I didn't want to be cliche and name her "angel" (even though she is our angel baby)...but I wanted to name her something that encompasses what she really meant and still means for us.  I found the name Aldora, which means 'Winged Gift' and her middle name is Grace.  We decided to name her this because she is from God, and she is our winged gift...


With all that said...we are hoping that we will be able to conceive again, or find an adoption option that doesn't cost 20K, like Catholic Community Services wants to charge...We have a couple of good leads, I just need to contact them.  I've decided to stop going to the OBGYN for right now.  I owe them a lot of $, and I wasn't getting results any longer from the meds she had me on.  If I was able to conceive naturally once, maybe God will bless us again?  I have been good about what I've been putting into my body lately (with the exception of things from my Easter basket (:  )  and I have started going to Zumba classes at the YMCA...it's tough, but it was fun...and I am hoping that I will start to see things start to happen with my body that are moving in the right direction.


On another note... I now have a website through Pampered Chef... if anyone is interested in ordering from me please visit my site.  www.pamperedchef.biz/bethcompton

Lenten Retreat: Take Away

I went on my first silent retreat over the weekend. My pastor from my home parish led a group of men from all over state through the four passions. It was very humbling to cover all four of them in one weekend. When reading the crowd parts where we say, "Crucify Him!" still gives me goose bumps.

After evening prayers on Saturday night I asked to speak with Father before I took my turn at adoration. I wanted his advice on how to offer comfort to my wife and to myself about our recent experience with Catholic Community Services and with our fear of never becoming parents. I explained to him that we had a miscarriage several years ago and how it broke our hearts. It has been difficult to get past that loss. Even today I know that I'm not really past it.

Father Frank advised me that there is no such thing as a failed pregnancy. He told me that our child is in heaven and that I should ask the child to intercede for us. He also recommended that we give our baby a name since we haven't. While it always brings tears to my eyes to think on this, it does make my heart smile. He spoke with confidence that my wife & I are mom & dad.

It's very hard to explain how this is impacting me. It is impacting me, and I believe it is in a positive manner. The idea that there is no failed pregnancy resonates with me. Our lost baby hurts me very deeply, but his words, along with the prayers beyond numbers that we've offered up continue to help heal me.

Lent isn't about renewing my New Year's resolution. It's about drawing closer to God. I've promised myself that I'm going to work on making me a better child of God. I need to pray more. I need to listen more to God and less to all the little satans out there who question my faith, my preparedness to be a parent or even my worthiness. My adversaries don't matter. God does.

As the World Turns...

This week is going to be a busy one! Matt and I are preparing to help out on the upcoming Confirmation retreat that is this weekend!  I hope it will be very life and faith giving for the teens.  But, in order to get ready for that, I am working on video clips, praise and worship songs, music for the liturgy, and dinner for Friday night.  At the same time I'm teaching, working on Pampered Chef things, and I get to have my niece and nephew stay with us on Wednesday evening! :)

All things I'm happy to do, but I'm trying not to get too stressed out about it.

On a happy note, we finally got our lease extension in the mail today.  They are offering us a year long lease and no raise in the rent!  AWESOME NEWS!

The Meeting

So, this morning Matt and I dipped our toe into this pool called the 'adoption process'.  I wish I could report that everything was great and it's something that we can pursue at this point in time.  However, this will not be, at least not with Catholic Community Services.

The first thing the woman told us was that in a good year, only 6 infants come to them, and are placed with adoptive parents. She said it has been less and less as of late, due to mothers keeping their children, or grandparents wanting to raise or help to raise them.  Which I say is awesome!  She said that they only accept 8-10 adoptive families...now I know why...

They want $800 upfront for application fee ($300) and part of the home study ($500)...then on top of that they want another $500 for the other half of the home study, and the actual "cost" of having the child placed with the adoptive parents is $16,000... and there was another fee too, basically at the end, it came to $19,700 to adopt through CCS... and that doesn't even include court costs, cost for a lawyer, or paper work filing.  When the lady showed us the cost break down, I felt like all the air got sucked out of the room.  I know, I'm not going to get disheartened...There are other places.  But it's still hard to hear.

It was good to get some information about adoption.  It will be nice to look into other agencies like DSHS.

*sigh*

NaPro Technology

I wish we had a NaProTECH specialist around where I live... *sigh*

http://www.catholic.org/hf/family/story.php?id=37298

http://www.naprotechnology.com/

Upcoming Meeting with the Adoption Specialist

Hello again!
This week is  Mid-Winter break for some of the school districts I work in.  It's been nice to have a couple of days off.  I've been running around like a chicken without a head some days.  This week is still sorta of busy, because Matt and I are getting things planned/put together for a Confirmation retreat we are helping out on in a little over a week.  It's going to be an amazing experience for the teens!

I think another part of me has been keeping busy because if I am busy, I don't have to continuously obsess over this Friday's meeting with a Catholic Community Services adoption specialist.  Don't get me wrong, I was to be a mom more than anything, and meeting with this woman is a step closer to realizing that blessing...but I have a lot of anxieties over it.  For instance, what if we are turned down for money or age issues (they want people who are in their 30s...Matt is, but I am not), or what if they don't like us?... What if this isn't the right time to have kids?  Is anytime the "right time" to have children?  Is God really leading us to this, or is it selfishness to want a child right now because WE feel like WE should have one right now?  I want to be able to give our child(ren) everything they dream and hope for...I know our faith foundation is strong, so is our commitment and love to one another.  So why am I worrying about what others will think?  I've been prayerfully discerning God's will for us through all of this...and sometimes it's so hard to know.  Is it selfish to want a little life to nurture and love and help grow in faith? The more I think about it, the more I am afraid...but not about becoming a parent,  but because of the unknown.  I'm hoping that a lot of these questions and reservations will be remedied with our meeting on Friday.

Another part of this is I don't want to disappoint.  I don't see how a child can be a disappointment...but when I was pregnant in the past, I was made to feel that the child I was carrying was somehow a disappointment to someone close to me.  I heard it in their voice, and saw it in their face...and it isn't something I have been able to fully get over. The pain that caused me still radiates from the deepest part of me.  It's something I've dreaded when facing the reality of telling this person that I was going to have a child (naturally or adopt) in the future...I don't want to feel that shame I felt, because they were disappointed in the "choice" we made in being pregnant... Even though it has been over 3 years, I wonder how this person will react to news that we are adopting.  And then, why should it matter what they think?  Why should it matter that one persons negative option trump all of those who support us, and give us encouragement every day to become parents.  Maybe it's because I am a 'people pleaser'- but I know that if I am going to be a parent, I need to get over that, and what others think, because regardless of whether or not it is the 'right time'- Matt and I will be parents.

Then again, I worry about what kinda environment we would be bringing our child into if we did adopt.  Right now there are so many unknowns in our life.  Who knows when I will get a permanent teaching position, who knows if our landlord is going to renew our lease,  who knows if our rent will go up if our landlord does renew our lease... Things are such a struggle at times right now, but by the grace of God we always make it through.  However, if you know me, you know that my life is always on this crazy roller coaster- and if I wait for that to stop, we may never become parents.  Again, all of this just leads me to resting all my fears and anxieties in God's hands.  He will know what to do with them, because I sure as heck don't...but I know that when I full trust in Him, things have a way of working themselves out, one way or another.

And thus ends the long, drawn out, messy view into my mind and emotions at this present time.

On another note, I am so glad that it is Lent.  It will help me to focus on other things.  I've decided that I am not going to give up anything for lent again, but continue to incorporate some healthier things.

TTFN

Getting Craft pt. 2

Hi Y'all,
So I thought I would post up the things that I have been working on from my last post.  Matt's work has a spring craft fair, and I"m hoping these will sell!  I still don't know when the date is, but hopefully soon! :)

Getting Crafty

Matt's work is going to have a craft fair sometime this Spring... I am beginning to make things now for it.  So far I have made three pairs of earrings, a necklace, my painted boxes and picture frames, and some headbands for babies, as well as hair clips.  The biggest thing I hope to sell are e-reader covers/jackets.  I am making some home made ones.  My first one I am begging right after I post this...it's for Matt's Nook.  Hopefully he will like it.

:)

ch ch ch Changes

Change can be good...change can be bad...change can be painful.  Change is something I have had to deal with a lot in my life.  I know there are changes that happen every day, little ones, those are not what I talking about here.  I'm talking about changes that rock to your core, and even though it makes you feel uncomfy, you trust that it will turn out okay...even though it hurts.

I know I am being quite vague...but I need to be to protect the anonymity of the situation/party involved. I am praying for a good, life giving,  healthy turn out...but I don't know.

I think this year in general will be a big life of changes.  As I told my husband last night, I feel like we are on the cusp of something big, where we will never be the same again.  I'm hoping that it's going to be a great "something big" that we are on the cusp of...but one never knows with my luck/history.  No, I've been very blessed in my life, but it's true, some big catastrophe seems to always be threatening the shores of the current moment.  Like waves crashing into the shore, there is little to no room for a breath of air sometimes.

I'm hoping that some of the big changes will be that I finally will get a teaching job.  That I will either be preggers by the end of the year, or on our way to adopting a little one, that Matt and my family will be healthy, and we will keep working on paying off bills/debts and put a little savings aside.  I also hope for person growth in some relationships- family and friendships.

I am hopeful that we will be able to reach most, if not all of our goals...we just need to buckle down.

Interesting Article

While on my ever changing journey to learning more about PCOS and how to deal/live with it, I came across this article.   I thought it did a good job at explaining what exactly happens when people who have PCOS eat... and why exercising alone doesn't always help us lose weight, along with the role that Insulin levels play.

Enjoy:
http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/health/The_Role_That_Diet_Plays_in_PCOS.html

Exciting News!

Matt and I finally  heard back from the woman at Catholic Community Services... we have an appointment on Feb. 24th to meet with their adoption specialist...and get more info on the process of adoption!  This is so scary, but exciting all at the same time.  It's amazing to think that within a year or two our dream of being parents could be a reality!

Another cool thing that happened is that a school I really want to teach at has an opening for a 5th grade teacher for next year.  I already sent in my resume! Think happy thoughts!

I also have steady jobs this whole week!  I'm dog tired, but I'm happy to be working.

Well that's it for now.

Exhale

I've been waiting to exhale for a few days now... and now I finally can... one of the biggest stressors is going to turn out okay....I couldn't sleep again last night...but once I did get to sleep, it was great!

I woke up in a better mood today than in the past couple of days...but at the same time cautious to just "go with it"... I guess it's because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop...but I gotta keep my faith in God.  He got me through this past week, and I put my trust in His plan and put everything in his hands (something I hadn't fully done for awhile).

Right away I feel like God has been talking back to me...through people and little sayings and songs.  I couldn't help but shed a couple of tears when this song came on, because it was so appropriate for not only what I just went through, but my whole journey with wanting to have children.  It's called Before the Morning by Josh Wilson.  Here are the lyrics:
 wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you where is He now?
Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there so say a prayer

And hold on 'cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time
But you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning

How appropriate was that....and even now as I type this the song, "How Great is Our God" is playing.  Indeed...

Another thing I got was a "thought of the day" type message...and if this isn't a more direct thing, I don't know what is.  But I get e-mails from a local Christian radio station and it's sent out to everyone, but it really hit me.

It said:

Bethani,

What are you giving birth to? I’m thinking about this because I have less than two months to go until our baby is born. Being pregnant is weird. Uncomfortable, marvelous, painful, miraculous, awkward and blessed. The truth is, we are all pregnant with something. Is there a project, a goal, an idea or vision that makes you uncomfortable and excited at the same time? Chances are, God put it there. Now it’s your job to ask God about it, nurture it and wait until the time it comes to pass. Easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely.

May all your dreams come true.

Strange huh?  Just some food for thought.  I am enjoying the peace I am feeling right now.  I am so blessed...I have a wonderful loving husband, supportive parents and friends...and adorable kitties!

Anyways,

That's it for now.  I hope everyone is having a great day!

Best Husband

I have the best husband in the world.  Last night when I was feeling worried, Matt made me home made cookies- from scratch.  For those of you that know Matt, cooking isn't something he is very comfortable with...but he did great and they were nummy and it cheered me up!  I love him so much.

I'm a Stress Bunny!

I haven't been this stressed out in a long time!  I feel like everything is crashing down (financially) right now and I don't know what else to do...It's times like these I feel like subbing is a waste of time.  If I was working more regularly, I'd not only have a steady income to draw from (and known monthly budget), but I'd also get paid twice a month...  The frustrating thing about being a sub is the weird cut off days for getting paid.  January is always the hardest month due to winter break, and then snow days.  I've also had some cancellations as of late.

I am a very hard worker, I just wish I had a position I could go to on the days where I don't wind up working for a school to do some clerical work...I'd be good at it, and dependable.  I have my Pampered Chef job, but it's hard to hit up friends to do shows...and then when I do have shows, I haven't been able to book any shows off of those shows.  My friends really have tried...but it's hard when you put a lot into presentation and setting things up and can be disappointing for not only me, but my host when only so much is bought, or people don't show up (especially if they said they were coming and they don't even let you know - or apologize after the fact).

Sometimes I feel like God is calling me to go somewhere else, I feel as if all these doors are closing and all the roads are leading to a dead end.  However, I don't want to leave family and friends either...and my church.

I don't know what else to do...I haven't felt this alone in awhile, and this scared for awhile.  Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers.  God always sees things through, it just depends on the path that will lead us down.

I had a great weekend celebrating one of my best friend's birthday!  My friend flew back from Chicago and stayed with us for the weekend!  I was spoiled by her!  We got to get our mani/pedi on, and ate sushi (something I don't get to do very often with the hubster, since he doesn't like sushi), and I got to  hang out with some other gals as well while watching a movie back at my place.  I also got to play tourist in Seattle, and we walked around for the whole day!  Boy were my legs and feet tired!  But I got to try two things I had never eaten before: Crumpets and Beecher's Mac n' Cheese (which was more penne pasta with cheese soup sauce)...both were good. :)

I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed, but I need to keep reminding myself to take it in strides.  Everything is so up in the air right now, and then at the same time stagnant...  Our lease is up in March, and I hope we are offered another lease, preferably one without a rent raise.  If they don't offer us another lease, or they raise the rent up too high, then we will have to move...and who knows where that money is coming from... sigh.  That's another added pressure to things that are already going on...

But, on a good note (other than spending time with my friend)...my Pampered Chef shows are looking good for this weekend.  That will help tremendously since I am only going to get paid for one day of teaching (Due to winter break and how payroll is done for subs) Sigh... "This too shall pass".... or so I'm told.  My hubby is so patient and supportive, even though I know he's going crazy as well with everything that is going on.  Please pray for us...but something tells me things are going to get really tough here, but hopefully that means afterwards, they will only get better.

Till next time....

God Bless!

blah

Today, I am feeling "beat down"... I have so many worries and so little answers or help on what to do with them...  Sometimes I wish there was a pause button...or a real life "EASY Button" like you see in Staples commercials.  Maybe its just because I was stuck inside for 4 days (due to 11 inches in snow being on the ground)...but I don't think so.  Being stuck inside just allowed me to really focus on some things that aren't going so well, and how much those problems aren't going to go away anytime soon, and there is no help.

Sometimes I just feel so helpless, being a substitute teacher really sucks.  Don't get me wrong, I love teaching, I love the kids I get to see every day (yes, even the difficult classes, because they are teaching me to be a better teacher).  However, being a sub means not getting paid for school breaks and snow days.  I've struggled with wanting to get another job or to leave teaching all together.  I thought that being a Pampered Chef Consultant would help with that, because some people have such great success with being a PC Consultant.  I hate asking my friends to host a show for me, and then hitting their guests up to book more shows... I'm not good at it.  But I love meeting new people, and cooking, and teaching, and really helping people with being creative and having fun in the kitchen. But it's just not working as well as I need it to...and sometimes I wonder if all the added stress from keeping all of those business things is worth it?

I can't really get another job on top of subbing because, lets face it, who is going to work their schedule around my subbing schedule?  They want someone that will stay with them long term, or consistency...some weeks I am busy with jobs every day... I can't always guarantee another job that I will be there every day of the week.  

Then, if I give up on teaching, just to get an office job for awhile (for stability), I could lose my connections and "ins" with the districts that I've worked so hard building up... it's such a catch 22.  Sometimes I just wanna scream, or run away or start over again...like when I was a kid, playing a game and you could do a "do over"... I think people should be allowed one do-over in real life.  

One of my best friends is flying out here from Chicago, and I can't even do something nice for her birthday...sometimes I just feel like a loser. 

 There are things coming up, and I don't know how we're going to get through it...God always sees us through though.  I just wish life wasn't so dang hard, or at least we could catch a break, even if it was for 3 months...and I keep praying for a miracle. 

Sorry for being so blah, it is what it is, and I know it will get better "This too shall pass"....and all that jazz...but you know what I mean, it's hard to see the other side of the grass, when you're too busy sinking in the mud puddle.

Hello Everyone! Here are some much anticipated updates!

I hope the beginning of the new year has been a happy and healthy start for you all.  I can't believe the holidays are over now, I think I am still reeling from all the hustle and bustle.  I think my body is trying to catch up on all the sleep I missed LOL!

One of the things I really wanted to focus on last year was starting to lead a more healthy life... and in some ways I did some good things with that, then not so good... I have the right things in place, I just don't always have the time, or always find other things to avoid doing the "right" thing for me.  Example: we joined the YMCA in Aug. of last year, and we haven't been using it as much as we should.  It's hard because I liked it when Matt went with me, it was a partnership.... but he stopped going, or we'd make a pact to go and he'd be too tired after getting home...What I should've done is still go, but I didn't... sigh.  I am going to rectify this as soon as this snow melts and we're not snowed in.   We've been doing better at eating at home, not going out as much.  But I need to work on little things like, making sure I drink enough water.  I am glad I finally forced myself to go to the dr, and dentist and eye dr... all things I've been needing to do for about 3 or more years.  I still have to get blood drawn (they tried, but my veins dried up and they didn't want to try again).
So that will be this week's job (assuming I don't have to do Jury Duty all week).

As far as baby hopes...it's still slow going... I got some potentially devastating news in December that my OB/GYN thinks that she has done all she can for me... and she began to ask me about IVF...which of course is not an option for Matt and I.  Sometimes I do wish it could be, but I also believe in the teaching of our Church and I understand why it is not an option.  Many of my friends don't understand this, and sometimes it's so frustrating to try and tell them about it, because the ones that don't understand, do not really practice a faith.  They don't even try to listen to the reasons behind it either....just dismissing things when I start to try and explain with their own frustrations as to "why I'm letting religion dictate how we can conceive a child."  It's not that simple to explain, especially for those who are outside the faith, or have no faith at all...it's not something you can just answer in 5 minutes or more, and lets face it, even the very best well-meaning friend doesn't want to sit there and have a conversation/discussion about something they don't believe in or what to even try to understand (from your point of view) in the first place.  It's even hard for people like my mom, who is also Catholic, but grew up in the 60s and 70s as a teen and young adult.  The Catholic Church wasn't always clear on their direction or teachings after Vatican 2....the Church is still in the process of reeducating others move past some of the not so good things that came from the confusion of that time...and its taken almost 50 years to do that much.  That coupled with the "FREEDOM" and "Do what feels good" slogans of the 60s and 70s took a toll on people's understandings of what the Church really teaches... anyways, sorry a bit of a tangent there... but, as I started to say, this is something that is hard for my mom to understand as well, even though I have given her resources, and told her why I cannot undergo IVF.  And really, the beautiful and hard thing to accept (and it seems mean for those that don't understand it)- is just because Matt and I desire to have children, does not mean we have a right to a child.  A child is a gift from God....and we are to wait patiently and lovingly for a child if and when God chooses to bless us with a child.  No matter how angry I get at Him, or emotionally drained I feel, or how painful it is.

I believe that God does things for a reason, in His own time.  And I have to trust that there is a reason.  During Advent a lot of Gospel readings came up where the Angel Gabriel told Mary (Upon revealing to her she conceived a child in her womb and that her cousin, Elizabeth, who was thought to be barren had conceived in her "old age") that "Nothing is impossible for God."  And in those readings, I began to feel a stirring of hope inside of me...I heard this reading the day I was told my OB/GYN had done all she could for me... We decided to up the dosage on some meds and to keep trying....even though I have not ovulated in the past two months on the meds that had previously worked for me.  But I need to be humble enough to know that it is His will, not mine...and I need to really leave everything in his hands, without reservations... it's hard, and it's something I struggle with every day... but I need to trust that He will bless us in one way or another.

Does that mean I don't freak out when I swear there are certain "signs" I might be pregnant? No... I'm going through this right now...but it means I don't let myself overly get worked up about it...or let myself "crash" when the pregnancy test reads "-".   In the mean time, Matt and I have sent in an inquiry to learn more about adoption.  It's not a for sure thing, but we just wanted to get some more information about it.  It is my hope that we could have a baby by this Christmas, but it's not my will be done...  It's good to have desires and destinations, just as long as you remember who is in the drivers seat.

For those of you who are not familiar on why the Catholic Church is against IVF, I have added some information for your reading pleasure. :)  Don't worry, it isn't long.
IVF and Catholic Teaching

I do know my friends have the best intentions when they object to why we are choosing not to use IVF.  They long to see our hopes to be parents come to fruition.  I do wish more of my experiences were like one of my friends.  I told this person what the OB/GYN told me, and that IVF wasn't an option for us...and as I began to brace myself for another backlash or go over in my mind how to explain/defend our decision...this person simply said, "ok, I understand, it's a faith thing...and that's fine."  That really meant a lot to me...in an already stressful and emotional thing to talk about.

Well, anyways I guess it's time for me to sign off.  I hope everyone is doing well and being safe!

God Bless