Ok, so I haven't posted on here in awhile... Actually I did post, and then my internet crashed...and erased this whole entry I had written!  blah...but I am back again.

So, back on that entry I had written before.... I was explaining how Lent was a great source of spiritual journey for me this year.  I started out focused, and full of hope for whatever lay ahead of us, and for the most part it stayed that way.  But about two weeks in, Matt and I were hit by the frustrations and sadness that goes along with 'not having children' yet... While Matt was on his Lenten retreat, he had a chance to sit down with our Pastor and discuss with him his hurts and frustrations about the miscarriage that still linger on today.  I was able to do the same, but during confession, with out pastor as well...and Father Frank told us that we are still parents.  Because at the moment of conception, a soul is created in the womb...which I already knew, but I think for the first time it really resonated, and Father explained that we have a soul up in heaven that is praying for us.  We have a little angel, and although we didn't get the chance to ever hold our little one, she is still ours, and she did exist.  Father both encouraged Matt and I to name our little one...

Naming our Baby:
What's in a Name?  This is something Juliet ponders in Shakespeare's famous play, Romeo and Juliet. I think this was the hardest thing to do, especially because our little one is up in Heaven.  It's amazing the amount of healing (healing I already thought had happened for me) has occurred since giving our little on a name. Matt and I talked, and we both felt that our child was a baby girl.  This makes sense especially because by the time she went back to heaven (at 8 weeks gestation), we wouldn't have been able to tell the gender of that baby anyways.
After about an hour or more searching on the internet for possible names, we finally agreed on one.  What do you name a child who gave you such hope, that you loved instantly, never met, and at the same time, have a deep sense of longing for?  I know for some this may seem silly, because there are much worse scenarios out there, where families have suffered losses towards the end of their pregnancies, or even stillbirths, and of course, a death of a child later on in their lives...I sometimes feel guilty for having this loom over me sometimes, because after all, I didn't go through what others have, and am I really entitled to feeling this deep sense of loss just the same?  I have decided that yes, I am, because even though I may not have had the chance to hold my baby in my arms, or comfort it while it was crying; I was told that I'd never be able to have children...and in those short 8 weeks, I was given a gift to be able to carry life within me, that I never thought possible.

So what do you name a child who is a precious gift?  That was called back to heaven?  I didn't want to be cliche and name her "angel" (even though she is our angel baby)...but I wanted to name her something that encompasses what she really meant and still means for us.  I found the name Aldora, which means 'Winged Gift' and her middle name is Grace.  We decided to name her this because she is from God, and she is our winged gift...


With all that said...we are hoping that we will be able to conceive again, or find an adoption option that doesn't cost 20K, like Catholic Community Services wants to charge...We have a couple of good leads, I just need to contact them.  I've decided to stop going to the OBGYN for right now.  I owe them a lot of $, and I wasn't getting results any longer from the meds she had me on.  If I was able to conceive naturally once, maybe God will bless us again?  I have been good about what I've been putting into my body lately (with the exception of things from my Easter basket (:  )  and I have started going to Zumba classes at the YMCA...it's tough, but it was fun...and I am hoping that I will start to see things start to happen with my body that are moving in the right direction.


On another note... I now have a website through Pampered Chef... if anyone is interested in ordering from me please visit my site.  www.pamperedchef.biz/bethcompton