Hello,
Summer has kept me way too busy...but its been a summer of growth.
Matt and I continue to attend our adoption support group once a month. It's so helpful to be part of a community where so many of the couples are in different steps in the adoption process...it is really a blessing in a lot of ways to have another avenue for support and guidance as we begin to go down this road... We haven't yet, we are still "getting our toes wet"...
To be honest, I have felt so overwhelmed with everything... I feel like life is whizzing by a million miles a minute, and as soon as I have completed one juggling rotation, another ball is added to the mix...As usual, I feel stuck, and I don't quite know what to do right now... I'm tired of taking baby steps...of waiting for something to happen, and yet I don't know how to 'make things happen'... This frustrated Matt, because he doesn't seem to get it, nor understand when I get into these funks...
We have been taking steps to take better care of ourselves health wise...we are close (i.e. about a year off) from paying most of our debt off...and yet the things I want the most, a baby, house, job seem to be getting further and further away... We can't begin the adoption process until we can pay for a home study, and one of the things of the home study is to have a savings... I've had 7 interviews this summer, still no one wants me, yet they all say how much they like me...I feel like I am spinning my wheels and "wasting" the best years of my life waiting to land a teaching job...Here I am, almost 30 years old and I have NEVER made more than 15k/year... I should be at the top of my game right now...there are times I want to just give up on teaching, but doing that is like killing a piece of me off... not to mention losing all the connections I have made and the experiences I have had... if I wanted to come back to teaching after awhile, I would have to start over again ...and I don't want to give up on teaching, but is there room for me? People tell me not to give up...but I feel like I am about to break...
I feel inadequate... I can't get pregnant, I can't contribute financially that much to our household...and I am working all the time...and sometimes feel like I have nothing to show for it, even though the rational side of me tells me that is not true...I am doing a lot of good... I just don't know some times. I'm so frustrated...and that frustration is bleeding in to how I feel about myself, and see myself...and I hate always feeling like a 'Debbie Downer' as Matt calls me. So I guess that is another reason I haven't written in awhile...
This week was especially tough because it was the 3rd anniversary of my miscarriage...and I know Aldora is up their in heaven praying for her mommy and daddy...and it wasn't a 'sad' day for me, but I just thought about it a lot...and I yearn so much to hold a little one in my arms...it takes over my every thought...and so many of the people I know have kiddos or are pregnant or just had a baby...which is all very wonderful and such a blessing...but it's hard some days...to sit there and listen to the stories, or hold other people's babies when all I want is to be able to hold our own child. Don't worry, I'm not about to go steal another person's baby or anything, and I know all of this sounds kinda strange, especially if you have never experienced or wanted something so badly...I just feel like I've been told 'no' so much lately, or to wait...and I am so sick of it!
On the other hand I am tired...and I need a break from life. ha ha... our 5 year anniversary is coming up, and all I want to do is to get away...but I have fear that that won't even be able to happen...and at the same time if it doesn't, then I don't be surprised...and maybe that means what money we would have had to do something will go towards bills or saving...
It's helped that at work, a coworker of mine just passed her 1st trimester...she has struggled for years to get pregnant and has suffered many miscarriages...and for the first time I have someone I can talk to about this journey...and I know I've talked to others about it, but usually they have not experienced it (which doesn't discredit them by any means), but sometimes it helps to talk to someone that knows how you are feeling, and can legitimately tell you that how you are feeling/thinking is not totally crazy, and kinda normal reactions/thoughts. I am so happy for her and her husband! I pray that she has an easy pregnancy.
So...all of this has got me thinking even more about adoption...and even with adoption you can still "lose" your child...Mom can change her mind, birth mom can make crazy demands before the baby is born and things can fall through... I had no idea that in some cases, if you go through private adoption, the adoptive parents could be responsible for paying for part or all of the birth mom's rent and food and utilities! Everything is so overwhelming!
And I feel like I'm in this race...and I'm sorely losing because we are in the same place we were 5 years ago when we got married... (well not really, we are in a different house, I have a masters degree and now we have 3 cats)...but figuratively speaking...Neither one of us is getting any younger...And I think I haven't written a post in a long time because I don't like being so doom and gloom...that isn't me...but I don't know how else to handle things right now...I keep trying to fill this hole I feel inside with other things, and nothing appeases it...and nothing will until I get a job, have a child and get a house (so we can have a dog LOL)...
And at the same time, even as I type this I feel guilty for complaining about these things I *don't* have...when I have so much...and when there are so many around me who are suffering...I do realize that, and appreciate the things I do have. For instance, one of my best friends growing up just lost her dad last weekend...I don't even know what I'd do if that were me...
Ugh.... Lord please give me strength... I am in need of some quality friend time and possibly a large bottle of wine...
Well those are my jumbled emotions after a long week of camp and hot hot weather! I am going to go to bed.... hopefully I will be more collected, and not let the emotional gremlins get to me so much tomorrow...
Pray for me and I will pray for you too! :)
