I went on my first silent retreat over the weekend. My pastor from my home parish led a group of men from all over state through the four passions. It was very humbling to cover all four of them in one weekend. When reading the crowd parts where we say, "Crucify Him!" still gives me goose bumps.
After evening prayers on Saturday night I asked to speak with Father before I took my turn at adoration. I wanted his advice on how to offer comfort to my wife and to myself about our recent experience with Catholic Community Services and with our fear of never becoming parents. I explained to him that we had a miscarriage several years ago and how it broke our hearts. It has been difficult to get past that loss. Even today I know that I'm not really past it.
Father Frank advised me that there is no such thing as a failed pregnancy. He told me that our child is in heaven and that I should ask the child to intercede for us. He also recommended that we give our baby a name since we haven't. While it always brings tears to my eyes to think on this, it does make my heart smile. He spoke with confidence that my wife & I are mom & dad.
It's very hard to explain how this is impacting me. It is impacting me, and I believe it is in a positive manner. The idea that there is no failed pregnancy resonates with me. Our lost baby hurts me very deeply, but his words, along with the prayers beyond numbers that we've offered up continue to help heal me.
Lent isn't about renewing my New Year's resolution. It's about drawing closer to God. I've promised myself that I'm going to work on making me a better child of God. I need to pray more. I need to listen more to God and less to all the little satans out there who question my faith, my preparedness to be a parent or even my worthiness. My adversaries don't matter. God does.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
As the World Turns...
This week is going to be a busy one! Matt and I are preparing to help out on the upcoming Confirmation retreat that is this weekend! I hope it will be very life and faith giving for the teens. But, in order to get ready for that, I am working on video clips, praise and worship songs, music for the liturgy, and dinner for Friday night. At the same time I'm teaching, working on Pampered Chef things, and I get to have my niece and nephew stay with us on Wednesday evening! :)
All things I'm happy to do, but I'm trying not to get too stressed out about it.
On a happy note, we finally got our lease extension in the mail today. They are offering us a year long lease and no raise in the rent! AWESOME NEWS!
All things I'm happy to do, but I'm trying not to get too stressed out about it.
On a happy note, we finally got our lease extension in the mail today. They are offering us a year long lease and no raise in the rent! AWESOME NEWS!
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Meeting
So, this morning Matt and I dipped our toe into this pool called the 'adoption process'. I wish I could report that everything was great and it's something that we can pursue at this point in time. However, this will not be, at least not with Catholic Community Services.
The first thing the woman told us was that in a good year, only 6 infants come to them, and are placed with adoptive parents. She said it has been less and less as of late, due to mothers keeping their children, or grandparents wanting to raise or help to raise them. Which I say is awesome! She said that they only accept 8-10 adoptive families...now I know why...
They want $800 upfront for application fee ($300) and part of the home study ($500)...then on top of that they want another $500 for the other half of the home study, and the actual "cost" of having the child placed with the adoptive parents is $16,000... and there was another fee too, basically at the end, it came to $19,700 to adopt through CCS... and that doesn't even include court costs, cost for a lawyer, or paper work filing. When the lady showed us the cost break down, I felt like all the air got sucked out of the room. I know, I'm not going to get disheartened...There are other places. But it's still hard to hear.
It was good to get some information about adoption. It will be nice to look into other agencies like DSHS.
*sigh*
The first thing the woman told us was that in a good year, only 6 infants come to them, and are placed with adoptive parents. She said it has been less and less as of late, due to mothers keeping their children, or grandparents wanting to raise or help to raise them. Which I say is awesome! She said that they only accept 8-10 adoptive families...now I know why...
They want $800 upfront for application fee ($300) and part of the home study ($500)...then on top of that they want another $500 for the other half of the home study, and the actual "cost" of having the child placed with the adoptive parents is $16,000... and there was another fee too, basically at the end, it came to $19,700 to adopt through CCS... and that doesn't even include court costs, cost for a lawyer, or paper work filing. When the lady showed us the cost break down, I felt like all the air got sucked out of the room. I know, I'm not going to get disheartened...There are other places. But it's still hard to hear.
It was good to get some information about adoption. It will be nice to look into other agencies like DSHS.
*sigh*
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
NaPro Technology
I wish we had a NaProTECH specialist around where I live... *sigh*
http://www.catholic.org/hf/family/story.php?id=37298
http://www.naprotechnology.com/
http://www.catholic.org/hf/family/story.php?id=37298
http://www.naprotechnology.com/
Upcoming Meeting with the Adoption Specialist
Hello again!
This week is Mid-Winter break for some of the school districts I work in. It's been nice to have a couple of days off. I've been running around like a chicken without a head some days. This week is still sorta of busy, because Matt and I are getting things planned/put together for a Confirmation retreat we are helping out on in a little over a week. It's going to be an amazing experience for the teens!
I think another part of me has been keeping busy because if I am busy, I don't have to continuously obsess over this Friday's meeting with a Catholic Community Services adoption specialist. Don't get me wrong, I was to be a mom more than anything, and meeting with this woman is a step closer to realizing that blessing...but I have a lot of anxieties over it. For instance, what if we are turned down for money or age issues (they want people who are in their 30s...Matt is, but I am not), or what if they don't like us?... What if this isn't the right time to have kids? Is anytime the "right time" to have children? Is God really leading us to this, or is it selfishness to want a child right now because WE feel like WE should have one right now? I want to be able to give our child(ren) everything they dream and hope for...I know our faith foundation is strong, so is our commitment and love to one another. So why am I worrying about what others will think? I've been prayerfully discerning God's will for us through all of this...and sometimes it's so hard to know. Is it selfish to want a little life to nurture and love and help grow in faith? The more I think about it, the more I am afraid...but not about becoming a parent, but because of the unknown. I'm hoping that a lot of these questions and reservations will be remedied with our meeting on Friday.
Another part of this is I don't want to disappoint. I don't see how a child can be a disappointment...but when I was pregnant in the past, I was made to feel that the child I was carrying was somehow a disappointment to someone close to me. I heard it in their voice, and saw it in their face...and it isn't something I have been able to fully get over. The pain that caused me still radiates from the deepest part of me. It's something I've dreaded when facing the reality of telling this person that I was going to have a child (naturally or adopt) in the future...I don't want to feel that shame I felt, because they were disappointed in the "choice" we made in being pregnant... Even though it has been over 3 years, I wonder how this person will react to news that we are adopting. And then, why should it matter what they think? Why should it matter that one persons negative option trump all of those who support us, and give us encouragement every day to become parents. Maybe it's because I am a 'people pleaser'- but I know that if I am going to be a parent, I need to get over that, and what others think, because regardless of whether or not it is the 'right time'- Matt and I will be parents.
Then again, I worry about what kinda environment we would be bringing our child into if we did adopt. Right now there are so many unknowns in our life. Who knows when I will get a permanent teaching position, who knows if our landlord is going to renew our lease, who knows if our rent will go up if our landlord does renew our lease... Things are such a struggle at times right now, but by the grace of God we always make it through. However, if you know me, you know that my life is always on this crazy roller coaster- and if I wait for that to stop, we may never become parents. Again, all of this just leads me to resting all my fears and anxieties in God's hands. He will know what to do with them, because I sure as heck don't...but I know that when I full trust in Him, things have a way of working themselves out, one way or another.
And thus ends the long, drawn out, messy view into my mind and emotions at this present time.
On another note, I am so glad that it is Lent. It will help me to focus on other things. I've decided that I am not going to give up anything for lent again, but continue to incorporate some healthier things.
TTFN
This week is Mid-Winter break for some of the school districts I work in. It's been nice to have a couple of days off. I've been running around like a chicken without a head some days. This week is still sorta of busy, because Matt and I are getting things planned/put together for a Confirmation retreat we are helping out on in a little over a week. It's going to be an amazing experience for the teens!
I think another part of me has been keeping busy because if I am busy, I don't have to continuously obsess over this Friday's meeting with a Catholic Community Services adoption specialist. Don't get me wrong, I was to be a mom more than anything, and meeting with this woman is a step closer to realizing that blessing...but I have a lot of anxieties over it. For instance, what if we are turned down for money or age issues (they want people who are in their 30s...Matt is, but I am not), or what if they don't like us?... What if this isn't the right time to have kids? Is anytime the "right time" to have children? Is God really leading us to this, or is it selfishness to want a child right now because WE feel like WE should have one right now? I want to be able to give our child(ren) everything they dream and hope for...I know our faith foundation is strong, so is our commitment and love to one another. So why am I worrying about what others will think? I've been prayerfully discerning God's will for us through all of this...and sometimes it's so hard to know. Is it selfish to want a little life to nurture and love and help grow in faith? The more I think about it, the more I am afraid...but not about becoming a parent, but because of the unknown. I'm hoping that a lot of these questions and reservations will be remedied with our meeting on Friday.
Another part of this is I don't want to disappoint. I don't see how a child can be a disappointment...but when I was pregnant in the past, I was made to feel that the child I was carrying was somehow a disappointment to someone close to me. I heard it in their voice, and saw it in their face...and it isn't something I have been able to fully get over. The pain that caused me still radiates from the deepest part of me. It's something I've dreaded when facing the reality of telling this person that I was going to have a child (naturally or adopt) in the future...I don't want to feel that shame I felt, because they were disappointed in the "choice" we made in being pregnant... Even though it has been over 3 years, I wonder how this person will react to news that we are adopting. And then, why should it matter what they think? Why should it matter that one persons negative option trump all of those who support us, and give us encouragement every day to become parents. Maybe it's because I am a 'people pleaser'- but I know that if I am going to be a parent, I need to get over that, and what others think, because regardless of whether or not it is the 'right time'- Matt and I will be parents.
Then again, I worry about what kinda environment we would be bringing our child into if we did adopt. Right now there are so many unknowns in our life. Who knows when I will get a permanent teaching position, who knows if our landlord is going to renew our lease, who knows if our rent will go up if our landlord does renew our lease... Things are such a struggle at times right now, but by the grace of God we always make it through. However, if you know me, you know that my life is always on this crazy roller coaster- and if I wait for that to stop, we may never become parents. Again, all of this just leads me to resting all my fears and anxieties in God's hands. He will know what to do with them, because I sure as heck don't...but I know that when I full trust in Him, things have a way of working themselves out, one way or another.
And thus ends the long, drawn out, messy view into my mind and emotions at this present time.
On another note, I am so glad that it is Lent. It will help me to focus on other things. I've decided that I am not going to give up anything for lent again, but continue to incorporate some healthier things.
TTFN
Getting Craft pt. 2
Hi Y'all,
So I thought I would post up the things that I have been working on from my last post. Matt's work has a spring craft fair, and I"m hoping these will sell! I still don't know when the date is, but hopefully soon! :)
So I thought I would post up the things that I have been working on from my last post. Matt's work has a spring craft fair, and I"m hoping these will sell! I still don't know when the date is, but hopefully soon! :)
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Getting Crafty
Matt's work is going to have a craft fair sometime this Spring... I am beginning to make things now for it. So far I have made three pairs of earrings, a necklace, my painted boxes and picture frames, and some headbands for babies, as well as hair clips. The biggest thing I hope to sell are e-reader covers/jackets. I am making some home made ones. My first one I am begging right after I post this...it's for Matt's Nook. Hopefully he will like it.
:)
:)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
ch ch ch Changes
Change can be good...change can be bad...change can be painful. Change is something I have had to deal with a lot in my life. I know there are changes that happen every day, little ones, those are not what I talking about here. I'm talking about changes that rock to your core, and even though it makes you feel uncomfy, you trust that it will turn out okay...even though it hurts.
I know I am being quite vague...but I need to be to protect the anonymity of the situation/party involved. I am praying for a good, life giving, healthy turn out...but I don't know.
I think this year in general will be a big life of changes. As I told my husband last night, I feel like we are on the cusp of something big, where we will never be the same again. I'm hoping that it's going to be a great "something big" that we are on the cusp of...but one never knows with my luck/history. No, I've been very blessed in my life, but it's true, some big catastrophe seems to always be threatening the shores of the current moment. Like waves crashing into the shore, there is little to no room for a breath of air sometimes.
I'm hoping that some of the big changes will be that I finally will get a teaching job. That I will either be preggers by the end of the year, or on our way to adopting a little one, that Matt and my family will be healthy, and we will keep working on paying off bills/debts and put a little savings aside. I also hope for person growth in some relationships- family and friendships.
I am hopeful that we will be able to reach most, if not all of our goals...we just need to buckle down.
I know I am being quite vague...but I need to be to protect the anonymity of the situation/party involved. I am praying for a good, life giving, healthy turn out...but I don't know.
I think this year in general will be a big life of changes. As I told my husband last night, I feel like we are on the cusp of something big, where we will never be the same again. I'm hoping that it's going to be a great "something big" that we are on the cusp of...but one never knows with my luck/history. No, I've been very blessed in my life, but it's true, some big catastrophe seems to always be threatening the shores of the current moment. Like waves crashing into the shore, there is little to no room for a breath of air sometimes.
I'm hoping that some of the big changes will be that I finally will get a teaching job. That I will either be preggers by the end of the year, or on our way to adopting a little one, that Matt and my family will be healthy, and we will keep working on paying off bills/debts and put a little savings aside. I also hope for person growth in some relationships- family and friendships.
I am hopeful that we will be able to reach most, if not all of our goals...we just need to buckle down.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Interesting Article
While on my ever changing journey to learning more about PCOS and how to deal/live with it, I came across this article. I thought it did a good job at explaining what exactly happens when people who have PCOS eat... and why exercising alone doesn't always help us lose weight, along with the role that Insulin levels play.
Enjoy:
http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/health/The_Role_That_Diet_Plays_in_PCOS.html
Enjoy:
http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/health/The_Role_That_Diet_Plays_in_PCOS.html
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Exciting News!
Matt and I finally heard back from the woman at Catholic Community Services... we have an appointment on Feb. 24th to meet with their adoption specialist...and get more info on the process of adoption! This is so scary, but exciting all at the same time. It's amazing to think that within a year or two our dream of being parents could be a reality!
Another cool thing that happened is that a school I really want to teach at has an opening for a 5th grade teacher for next year. I already sent in my resume! Think happy thoughts!
I also have steady jobs this whole week! I'm dog tired, but I'm happy to be working.
Well that's it for now.
Another cool thing that happened is that a school I really want to teach at has an opening for a 5th grade teacher for next year. I already sent in my resume! Think happy thoughts!
I also have steady jobs this whole week! I'm dog tired, but I'm happy to be working.
Well that's it for now.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Exhale
I've been waiting to exhale for a few days now... and now I finally can... one of the biggest stressors is going to turn out okay....I couldn't sleep again last night...but once I did get to sleep, it was great!
I woke up in a better mood today than in the past couple of days...but at the same time cautious to just "go with it"... I guess it's because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop...but I gotta keep my faith in God. He got me through this past week, and I put my trust in His plan and put everything in his hands (something I hadn't fully done for awhile).
Right away I feel like God has been talking back to me...through people and little sayings and songs. I couldn't help but shed a couple of tears when this song came on, because it was so appropriate for not only what I just went through, but my whole journey with wanting to have children. It's called Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. Here are the lyrics:
wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you where is He now?
Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there so say a prayer
And hold on 'cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time
But you'll see the bigger picture
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
I woke up in a better mood today than in the past couple of days...but at the same time cautious to just "go with it"... I guess it's because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop...but I gotta keep my faith in God. He got me through this past week, and I put my trust in His plan and put everything in his hands (something I hadn't fully done for awhile).
Right away I feel like God has been talking back to me...through people and little sayings and songs. I couldn't help but shed a couple of tears when this song came on, because it was so appropriate for not only what I just went through, but my whole journey with wanting to have children. It's called Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. Here are the lyrics:
wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you where is He now?
Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there so say a prayer
And hold on 'cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time
But you'll see the bigger picture
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
How appropriate was that....and even now as I type this the song, "How Great is Our God" is playing. Indeed...
Another thing I got was a "thought of the day" type message...and if this isn't a more direct thing, I don't know what is. But I get e-mails from a local Christian radio station and it's sent out to everyone, but it really hit me.
It said:
Bethani,
What are you giving birth to? I’m thinking about this because I have less than two months to go until our baby is born. Being pregnant is weird. Uncomfortable, marvelous, painful, miraculous, awkward and blessed. The truth is, we are all pregnant with something. Is there a project, a goal, an idea or vision that makes you uncomfortable and excited at the same time? Chances are, God put it there. Now it’s your job to ask God about it, nurture it and wait until the time it comes to pass. Easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely.
May all your dreams come true.
Strange huh? Just some food for thought. I am enjoying the peace I am feeling right now. I am so blessed...I have a wonderful loving husband, supportive parents and friends...and adorable kitties!
Anyways,
That's it for now. I hope everyone is having a great day!
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