My Girlie Parts Hurt!

Ok, so consider yourself warned if you don't want to know about baby making journey stuff...skip ahead to the non-italicized type... then you will know you will be safe. :)

Ok, so today I had my mid-cycle ultrasound...and today was PAINFUL!  My normal OB is on vacation this week, and since my situation is time sensitive, I had to see another OB today.  First off, I got called about two hours before my doctors appointment and was asked by the nurse why I was coming in... um.. I'm not medical provider, but shouldn't that information be in my chart?  Anywho... I get there and it's a miracle, they are running on time!
The OB I saw today was really nice...but I don't know how much faith I have in her.  She was having a tough time even doing the ultrasound on me.  My normal OB has no problem getting the wand in and finding my ovaries...  This OB...left my uterus and ovaries feeling sore and me feeling a little sick.  She kept having me push down on my abs so she could see my ovaries...this has never been a problem before... did they go into hiding?!  She also said my lining wasn't very thick at all... then she ran out of paper for the ultrasound...so she left the wand dangling out of me with one hand on it while she opened the paper package and unwrapped it and replaced it... while she did that, she wasn't paying any attention to what it was um... bumping into in me...  lets just say I never want that to happen to me again.  So, by the end she basically said it wouldn't do me any good to get the ovidrel shot right now b/c she didn't even see any eggs (I didn't even know she found my ovaries)... and to make an appointment on Monday to see my reg. OB... so that is what I am doing.  I am hoping to get better news on Monday.  I really hope it isn't too late to get the Ovidrel shot and try to conceive...although she told me to do that anyways right now... who knows, maybe I will ovulate on my own.


Ok, you are safe now...



In grandma news...she got to come home today, although I think some of the mini-strokes she has taken it's toll on her.  I'm hoping she is just tired and wanted to just come home.  I talked with her on the phone today before we help bring her home and she asked me why I put her in there and made her neck hurt, or why I gave her shots to make the neck hurt... and i told her it was b/c I was a pain in the neck... Then she asked me why I kept making the lullabys go off... (At the hospital they play 5 sec. of a lullaby every time a baby is born) and then she asked me if I was making them go off b/c I was trying to tell her I was going to have a baby. LOL, it was hard to tell if she was joking or if she meant it.  


I don't remember telling her that we were trying, or that I was receiving help to become pregnant...but she told my cousin and so she was asking me what was going on... LOL oh family gossip, gotta love it!


Anyways, that is all for the moment... I get to teach tomorrow :)
I'm going to take my tired and sore self to bed now, I need sleeeeep!  I've been really grumpy

Long Day

Yesterday's Pampered Chef Party went pretty well. We had some good food and great conversation. It is always good to be able to catch up with my aunt. After people left, Matt and I headed down to Bellevue to buy a cooling pad for his lap top...and we ate dinner at Applebees...BTW, I hadn't eaten there in a year...I was surprised at how their menu changed. Afterwards my mom came up and we watched a couple of movies.The evening was finished up by me falling asleep while Matt read some of Pride and Prejudice to me. All in all it was a good day. Then... this morning happened...

At 6:50am my mom called me to tell me that my grandma was yet again on her way to the hospital; her arm had gone numb again. We arrived at the ER around 7:30am (way too early on a Sunday, and half asleep). It seemed as if we waited all day just for the results for one cat scan, every time the nurse came in she would tell us, "you should get the results in about 15 minutes." 4 hours later, we had the results and they weren't good. Her carotid artery was 80% blocked and so they are keeping her in for another couple of days, and will do surgery on that artery tomorrow morning. The doctor also told her that he thinks she might not make it if her arm went numb again... very scary stuff! Basically she is having mini strokes as well when this happens. They will also put a shunt in tomorrow to keep the artery open...I hope everything goes well. I am worried about her. She kept talking about her funeral and what she wanted and I know it is important to talk about, but it really bugs me... After a very long and tiring day, I came back home to my darling hubby and went straight to bed for a few hours.

Anyways, I just wanted to update people on what was going on.

Long Time No Write

Hi All!
Sorry I haven't written in awhile... life has been crazy! I got to teach three times this week! I had a great time in every class. Even though it is frustrating to not have a full time job in my own classroom, I really do appreciate and cherish the time I get to spend in these classrooms. This is especially so on the challenging days. But every hug, every picture I receive is such a gift.

This morning I got the news that my grandma had to be rushed to the hospital. I am worried about her. She is home tonight, but this is the second time she has been in the hospital in two months. I just wish I had more time to be with my family, especially my grandparents. I am so blessed to have most of my grandparents still alive, and I feel like I'm constantly trying to catch up to my "normal life" duties to be able to have some time with them. To gather their knowledge and advice before they go on to heaven. It makes me sad... I feel equally conflicted because my grandma will also be having a doctor's appointment on Tuesday for another thing...and it was mentioned that she was scared and maybe I could go to be with her... but I have a teaching job that day... I need to teach/work...but my thoughts will definitely be with my grandma.

Tomorrow I am hosting a Pampered Chef party, so that should be fun. I still have food to make and clean up a bit tonight before going to bed. But right now, I'm watching Ghost Adventures :) I'm starting to think I have an unhealthy obsession with all these Ghost Hunters/Ghost Adventure type show... I really want to do an investigation. :)

I'm also trying to fight off sickness...again! Unfortunately going in to many different schools all week reeks havoc on your immune system.

Anyways,
I hope everyone is doing well! Next week I will have more updates on Operation Baby Make, I go in for my ultrasound to see how my eggs are developing on Wednesday. I will know then if I get my "trigger" shot.

Till then, have a great day!

Simmering Stress Levels

Matt here:

My stress levels aren't any higher than normal. As a matter of course, my levels are a bit lower than normal. I've been enjoying my "new" laptop. A friend gave it to me after the video card blew up. I was able to get a place called Ztronics to repair it. New laptop is great. I need a cooling pad to help with the temp management.

The highlight of my day is coming home and hanging out with Beth while we watch TV or read together just before bed. See? Pretty mellow. Still worried about potential baby stuff and money, but that's life.

I could So DO WITHOUT...

These cramps! Enough said...

Time to go back to sewing so I can keep my mind off of them! :)

Crafty business

For the past couple of days my mom and I have been doing crafty stuff. I got out my sewing machine and attempted to hem my hubby's pants...but quickly realized that I had no idea what I was doing and quickly enlisted my mommy's help! So, I got my first lesson on how to hem and hand-sew Matt's pants. I also had this shirt I have been trying to sew for about 2 years (I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to patterns), so mom was able to help me work on that as well. Then I made the mistake of going to the craft store to get some thread to finish the shirt, when I looked at patterns... I have been wanting to make an apron... so I got stuff to do that as well :)

I will post pictures of the shirt and apron when they are finished...whenever that may be... my machine has just decided to stop working on me... I must consult the mommy sew-know it all :)

Other than that, I'm tired, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow! Yippee! :O

take care!

Crappy Day....

*****So, this post is definitely going to be TMI...but when I set up this blog, I vowed to tell the truth and the whole ugly truth about living with PCOS and going through everything while trying to conceive... if you don't like talk about "body functions" then I suggest you skip this post.*****

I hate having to take Metformin... You'd think after 6 months of being on it, all my problems of having to duck into a bathroom at a moments notice would be gone... Nope...no matter what I do this gosh darn medication still tries to ruin my life... Today was the worse though, it happened while I was teaching, I even had to leave the classroom at one point, which is something that I've never done before. *sigh* The only thing I have found that works is to eat rice at some point in the day, then I seem to have only a little problem, if any. No wonder it helps people lose weight...but I keep telling myself if it helps us in the end, it's worth it.

I am going to call my doctor tomorrow to see if there might be another medication I can be on, or at least something else I can do to lessen the affects of this dumb medication...

Ok, that's the end of my rant... I just had to get it off my chest...

You Load 16 Tons and Whaddya Get? Another Day Older and Deeper in Debt :)

Hello All!,

I hope the day is treating you well. :) Today was an uncharacteristically beautiful October day for Seattle. I love it when the sun comes out, especially after the rainy weekend we had. I also got the chance to "re-decorate" some of the Halloween decorations I put up last week. I simply love this time of year. There seems to be so much to do in the fall, not only in decorations and fun activities, but also anticipation for things. I am anticipating Dec. 18th! Why is that you ask? Because my hubby and I and one of our favorite-est couples in the world are heading to Disney World for 9 days over Christmas! I kind of feel bad leaving family behind, but at the same time I am excited for a new experience.

I subbed today for a teacher that I used to work with as a para educator. She has a tough job this year! She is teaching k-3 grade, and the kiddos are emotionally/behaviorally disabled kids. I can only imagine what it must be like in there when things really get going. Today was a pretty relaxed day and nothing too eventful happened. It was nice being back at the school though and visiting some old friends. The school just got rebuilt, so it was interesting seeing the new building and the layout. It is interesting, I noticed on my walk through the campus that there are at least 4 empty classrooms... Maybe they will have a spot for me one day?

Other than that, I feel okay. I have a lot of energy today, and even though I had to get up super early, I was surprised that it wasn't too challenging... I'm sure that would be different if I continued to get up super early for the rest of the week. hee hee

Ok, well that is it for now. Before I sign off I want to leave you with a quote and a prayer I found. They are both from the book "The Good New About Sex and Marriage" by Christopher West.

Prayer:

Lord, help me to trust you with my life and all the circumstances of it, even- and especially when I don't understand. Give me the grace to believe in your promise to bring good out of every suffering and disappointment that you allow in my life. Amen

Quote:

This quote was said by Archbishop Charles Chaput.

"Suffering can bend and break us. But it can also break us open to become the persons God intended us to be. It depends on what we do with the pain. If we offer it back to God, he will use it to do great things in us and through us, because suffering is fertile."

I'm still working on being patient and trusting in God's divine plan.

Response to a Question

My friend Krystal asked me the following question and my response was too long to comment back...so here is my answer.

But first, here is her question:

Bishop-ette said...

That's some interesting information.
How long ago were you medically diagnosed with PCOS? I know that, when I was, I was told that the best thing for me to do was drop the excess weight, as our bodies store estrogen in our fat cells (and estrogen reduces the likelihood of ovulation). If you were diagnosed with it a long time ago, you might want to get a second opinion from a different doctor on the route to take to get pregnant.
Finally, has Mr. Sperm-Man been tested for his swimmer's performance? It seems like that would also be a good step to take.

Crossing my fingers for you guys...!

Thanks for the question KB, here is the answer:

I knew I had it in high school, but doctors were not taking me serious because I was "too young" and my "cycle" hadn't fully set in...whatever that meant since I got my first period in 6th grade! I think by the time I am 17, it would be pretty well set. It wasn't until I was 21 that a doctor took my seriously...sorta... she believed that there was something going on, but that it didn't need to be addressed since I wasn't trying to get pregnant at the time. I didn't think that was right, but she continually told me that I was okay, but I might not be able to conceive. The study of PCOS was really just starting out, even though it had been known for awhile. After I graduated from college my periods only came about once a year and I knew that wasn't right. I had sever pain in my ovaries at times...I felt like I was being stabbed in the gut and would double over in pain...people at the grocery stores always gave me weird looks when this happened...

So then I decided to go to another doctor. This doctor put me on Metformin and birth control. I told her I wasn't comfortable with taking the birth control once I got married. I only lasted about two months on both of those meds. The Pill made me feel so icky and not myself. And the Metformin gave me (sorry for the TMI) unannounced diarrhea. I was working as a camp counselor and I couldn't just run out on the group of kids whenever my bowels heralded their presence. I called the doctor back and she was at a loss, so I kinda left and went to find another doctor. This time I found a Catholic doctor who I was hoping could help me, her answer was to send me to a Endocrinologist who did nothing but take my blood and see me every 3 months, only to be told my hormone levels were fine and that I needed to lose weight. He also prescribed Spironolactone which was supposed to help with my excess facial hair. I even got sent to a dietitian where I handed over a food journal I had kept for a month... She looked it over and told me that the way I ate was pretty good. The only problem she saw was that over one month I had two oreo cookies and that my system was really sensitive to sugar, so I should never have any sweets again. Let me be honest, that wasn't going to fly with me...

So I decided to leave the endocrinologist and work with my GYNO. For the first time I had a medical provider that really listened to what I had to say and didn't try to force any meds on me that were contradictory to my faith. Also, we received the good news that we could have children and I wasn't "barren" like I had previously been told by past provider. Because Matt and I weren't full steam ahead "trying" to have a kiddo my GYNO suggested that I take progesterone every 3 months to "clean out" my uterine lining. So that was what I was doing, while still taking the spironolactone.

I ran out of my Spironolactone prescription at the end of June 2009. Matt and I were talking about planning to actively "try" to have a family that next January. Surprise surprise, at the end of July we found out we were pregnant (without any help from medications!) But by mid-August I had miscarried.

Fast forward to May of 2010, Matt and I decided that it was time to actively try for a little buggar. I am now working with an OB and she has me again on Metformin (still have some problems with it...have to really watch what I eat so I don't explode), Progesterone, Clomid and the Ovidrel shots. And now Femera instead of Clomid because Clomid didn't work...

And to answer your other question about my hubby, he has talked with a doctor and checked with a doctor and everything checks out well with them. Especially since I got pregnant last year.

I've tried losing weight, no matter what I eat or don't eat, it doesn't seem to make much difference. When I was working out every day for an hr or more before getting married, I lost about 10lbs. The Metformin is helping me lose some weight (but honestly I think it helps because it makes me #2) LOL. But just like all the blood tests (which I cannot stand needles), it is the price to pay for a little one.

Sorry for the long winded answer, but there's the background :)

Website on Femera

I found this website on the drug I will be taking to help me ovulate. I am still concerned about it, but this website seems to be pretty straight forward... here's to hopin' everything works.

Femara (Letrozole) for Infertility, Ovulation Problems and PCOS Treatment

What is Femara - Letrozole?

Femara (generic name is letrozole) is an oral drug which can be an effective fertility treatment for women with ovulation problems, or for those with unexplained infertility.

This medication is in a class of drug called aromatase inhibitors. Femara has mainly been used to treat certain cases of breast cancer.

• This page is about the use of Femara for infertility

How are Femara and Letrozole Used as a Fertility Drug?

Femara to Induce Ovulation

When the enzyme aromatase is inhibited by the letrozole medication, estrogen levels are suppressed in young women. This results in the brain and pituitary gland increasing the output of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone).

In women that have polycystic ovary syndrome or anovulation (a problem with ovulation) the increase in FSH hormone can result in development of a mature follicle in the ovary and ovulation of an egg. Doctors call this process "induction of ovulation".

Femara to Increase Pregnancy Chances in Ovulating Women

In women that already ovulate on their own, treatment with Femara can result in development of multiple follicles and multiple eggs releasing.

• Release of multiple eggs can increase the chances for pregnancy as compared to release of a single egg with a natural menstrual cycle.
  
  
• Doctors refer to the process of stimulating ovulation of multiple follicles and eggs assuperovulation, or controlled ovarian hyperstimulation.
  
  

Femara to Treat Infertility After Clomid Attempts Fail

Femara vs. Clomid

Clomid (brand name) or clomiphene citrate (generic name) is an oral medication that is often used for stimulating ovulation in women that do not ovulate on their own. Femara has sometimes been used in these women as an alternative to clomiphene.

• Some women will not respond to Clomid at all.
  • Letrozole can induce ovulation in some of these women.
    
    
• Women that do ovulate with Clomid still might never get pregnant with it.
  • Some of these women will conceive with letrozole
    
    
• There can be unpleasant side effects with Clomid that cause women to stop taking it
  • This can be a reason to use Femara instead of Clomid

Femara and Pregnancy - Success Rates Using Femara and Letrozole

Monthly chances for getting pregnant using letrozole are about the same as they are for using Clomid.

Much will depend on the age of the female partner and on the status of the fallopian tubes and the male's sperm quality.

Higher Success for Women Not Ovulating on Their Own

With the following conditions, we can expect approximately 15% per month for a chance to get pregnant with Femara:

• No other fertility issues are present
• The female partner is under 35 years old
• We achieve ovulation with the letrozole in a woman that was not ovulating

Lower Success for Unexplained Fertility in Ovulating Women

When it is being used for unexplained infertility in a woman who ovulates regularly on her own, the expectations for success are significantly lower than that.

Femara and IUI

Whether it is being used in unexplained infertility, or to induce ovulation, adding intrauterine insemination (IUI) and Femara together significantly improves chances for pregnancy.

Femara and Letrozole Dosing

• The most common dose of Femara is 2.5 mg per day on days five through nine of the menstrual cycle.
  
  
• Sometimes it is given in higher doses of 5 mg or 7.5 mg per day.

Risks and Side Effects of Femara

Report on Higher Incidence of Birth Defects

Many physicians will not prescribe letrozole because of concerns from a 2005 report from some Canadian fertility doctors suggesting a possible higher incidence of birth defects in pregnancies from using letrozole.

• This study was from a small group of pregnancies and the study has been severely criticized for having an improper design.
  
  
• Femara is known to have a short half-life in the bloodstream and is given early in the menstrual cycle - several days before a fertilized embryo is present. It is believed that the drug has cleared from the system before the egg is fertilized. Therefore, it is puzzling as to what mechanism could be responsible for the drug causing birth defects.
  
  
• The manufacturer of letrozole sent a warning to doctors saying there are reported birth defects in children born after mothers took Femara. This may have been due to liability concerns (lawyers and financial risks for a drug company) rather than real science.
  
  
• The manufacturer of the drug has apparently not filed for FDA approval to use it for infertility. However, physicians often use medications in an "off label" way. When the off label use is safe and effective it is perfectly legitimate.

Is Femara Prescribed by Fertility Specialists?

• Some fertility specialists or gynecologists will not prescribe Femara
  
  
• Others will use it - after explaining to the patient that there has been concerns raised regarding the potential for increased rates of birth defects

Related Articles

So Outa Gas, it isn't even Funny!

Today I am sluggish... it might be because I did so much yesterday... or that today's weather is awful! Or maybe it was the fact that I didn't even get out of bed until 11am today! 11! What is that?! I'm starting to feel sick, and I think my hubby gave me his cold. I feel it in my nose and in the back of my throat and in my head. *sigh* I hope it goes away quickly so I can be ready for work on Monday.

I did get some planning done for youth group. Matt and I are youth group leaders for our teens at our parish...and we have a very unique situation when it comes to the teens and our parish. There isn't a whole lot of parent support/follow through, and we have limited space (our parish doesn't have a church, but is building one starting in May I believe) and we are at a Trucking school..which is awesome...but there's no place for the kids to go and run to play games, or place to come and hang out. We are trying to do Life Teen, which is a great program- but it doesn't work for our parish because of the space and lack of technology needed and support from the community/parents. We put so much (usually) into planning these nights and it just gets disappointing when only 2 teens show up from h.s. and the rest are middle schoolers; and there are only about 5-8 of them. We don't want it to be a "school" lesson for them, but a chance for them to grow in their faith and be excited about it; but even getting them to talk or give suggestions about what they want to learn/talk about is a battle in and of itself. So I have been trying to come up with ideas, I looked online all day to put together a couple of nights that I am hoping my fellow youth leaders will be interested in. I just kinda feel like there is a general lack of enthusiasm all around; not that we don't want the program to work...but the time constraints for some make it so they can't come to planning meetings or life nights. I also made calendars to help with people to know when we are meeting and when life nights are in hopes that it will be better communicated.

Anyways I will be heading to go pick Matt up soon and then off to our planning meeting. Hope all are well! God Bless

Taking Care of Business!

I had a very productive day today. I not only did some house work, but I also decorated our house (inside and out) for Halloween! I love Halloween, always have! I can't wait for people to come over and see it! I even rearranged some of the furniture around the living room. OH! ANNNND I mowed the lawn. Now I am sore, but I suppose that is a good thing because it means my muscles got used!

Including today, I have 3 more dosages of Progesterone...then my cycle will be started all over again. Can't wait... I really hope the Femara will work. I'm reading conflicting things online about it. But it has been helping some women.

I"m saddened by the news that the body of a missing WWU student was found in Bellingham Bay. He was only 19 and was at WWU for about a week. I'm glad the authorities were able to recover the body, but it sucks that people out there can take people's lives away. I'm glad I don't go up there right now, I think my mom would turn into a puddle of goo with worry about me. :)

Take care!

Monday Monday

Hey All,

I feel a lot better today. After I signed off last night Matt and I said a rosary; and it was very soothing and helpful. :)

Today I got to teach one of the most rambunctious group of 2nd graders ever! I had one little girl in particular who was just all over the place. She was really into what she was doing/saying... the type of girl who would seriously lose her head if it wasn't attached. God Bless the little kids like that, because every class should have one, even if it can be inconvenient and annoying at time when you have told them to sit quietly for the one billionth time. But she was a really sweet girl too, and was excited about everything. I wish we could bottle that spirit up and spray it on us when we become complacent and feel lethargic in our own lives.

Tomorrow I teach for a half of day...should be interesting.

I also got a great surprise in my inbox today! I got an e-mail from a friend that I haven't seen since I was 15 years old! It was great to hear from her. I have talked back and forth with her here and there off and on, but it's been awhile, and was exactly what I needed. :) Hopefully I will get to see her and meet her hubby whenever I get out to Chicago!

I'm going to go have one of my mom's freshly baked Oatmeal cookies now. Tootles!

Hello, it's Me Again

*** Disclaimer: My emotions in this post are raw and I am laying it all out there, consider yourself warned if you get annoyed easily :) ***

Today was a pretty great day, rushed at some places, and as the night falls I find myself struggling with feelings of such desire. But I will get into that later.

This whole weekend was pretty good, except for my hubby not feeling so good. He received a flu shot on Thursday and has felt "under the weather" ever since. He's run down and coughing a lot. But we were able to spend some time with friends this weekend and enjoy a lovely piece of cheesecake :) I had a little bit of a freak out moment at mid-night last night when I received an e-mail from my friend and fellow youth group leader at church that we were having youth group (and we hadn't planned anything or looked in depth at the planning guide). So I was up until 1:30 looking at stuff and writing things out. On Sunday afternoon my friend came with me to the last Mariners game of the season. Unfortunately the M's didn't win, and we had to leave early so I could grab something for a family member down the road and then get to church on time...which I got home, just as mass was starting at my parish... so quick like a bunny I found another parish that had mass in 30 minutes, grabbed all my materials I needed for youth group and rushed to mass. After mass I drove across town and got my parish to find out that only 2 high school teens came, and a handful of middle schoolers, and the high schoolers were hanging out with the middle school group (which was great)... I just looked silly rushing from one end of town to the other, coming in a hour late and lugging everything in... only to have copies I made forgotten by the teens I gave them to. I know it wasn't anything intentional at all...it's just hard when you put thought into things/plans and it either doesn't happen or is unappreciated.

Anyways... this Sunday in the Catholic faith is Respect for Life Sunday. I am pro-life, but that also means that it has been a journey for me to fully accept the teachings and really understand, know and believe what being pro-life means. Now, I am not one to go out and picket, or yell at people; I'm just not like that, nor am I confrontational. But I would share my belief and respectfully discuss "sticky" issues when it comes to respecting life from 'womb to tomb' as I heard stated today. Any rate, my purpose isn't to discuss pro-life issues right now, but to lead you on how my thought process progressed to how I feel so defeated and empty right now. The church has such a beautiful love for life and respect for that and is very vocal in providing help and supporting families and our faith calls us to accept children from God (by any means) irregardless of money/time fears-totally and fully. It is not up to us how a child is conceived, the point is that that child was put here on earth for a reason case in point- Jesus Chris, born to an unwed teenager, put on this earth to pay the ultimate price, his death for our salvation. And as I was listening to the priest talk about love and how wonderful children are and then followed by this other speaker I couldn't help but let a few drops fall from my eyes...

What about Matt and I? We are here, with our hearts (and womb) wide open, ready to receive this gift and to love a child and teach them to love Our Lord. The church rarely (and by rarely, I have never seen/heard a presentation done at church-doesn't mean it isn't out there) shows support for those families who are struggling with infertility or conception. Where do I go for spiritual guidance? I've looked on line, I found a couple of patron saints, I've been praying the Rosary, I have offered up my suffering and impatience to God- in the back of my mind and in my heart I know that it is in His time... but every day my desire for a family, for a tiny life growing inside of me grows stronger. I have to accept His answer of "not yet"...but in the mean time, it seems as if there are no books, no daily devotionals or prayers to help with the daily struggle of this cross that I and so many other men and women out there face. It hurts so bad, and it's to the point where it consumes me... it is to the point where I get annoyed with my husband, when he wants to talk about a video game that he is so very excited about. Which is cool, and I shouldn't be annoyed...but in my mind I can't help but be annoyed with him b/c he isn't obsessing about this as much as I am. I know that is irrational...and it is something that is totally on me, he isn't doing anything wrong...but what do I do with this pit I find myself in tonight? In this pit where I feel so totally unfulfilled and helpless... I am a wife and daughter- and that is great. I am a teacher with out my own classroom- so am I really a teacher? I have an empty womb, so I am not a mother. Those are two things I can't control, but I feel like I have no identity because of it.

All these things are spiraling, and yet I know I am being irrational and this is how I feel in the moment... When I really examine it, it comes down to patience. I know I talk a lot about patience...and at the same time I feel silly for being so upset about this because there are so many out there who have gone through much worse. There are those who have suffered two or more miscarriages, who have held their babies in their arms, only to have them pass away due to SIDS or hunger or illness because they couldn't get the medicines needed. That is whole other level of pain. And when I take a moment to calm down, and think of my dear husband and his patience and how he is there for me to calm me and support me; I realize how lucky and blessed I really am. God isn't telling me no, he is asking me to wait. I am not infertile- just need some help. And if we cannot conceive a child together, there is always adoption; and that is also a beautiful gift.

Man I wrote a lot, but a lot was bottled inside of me. As I close this blog, I must confess that I feel better, after typing that all out, and I guess that is what blogs are for. No one will know what it feels like to be me (even those that have suffered the same things I have or feel the same pain I do)- it's different for everyone. All I can do is best try to convey my feelings through this, and hopefully not depress or worry too many of you. As a whole, I am okay, just like anyone, I get sad and stuck in my own cloud of muck.

Here is a prayer from St. Gerard:

O good St. Gerard,
powerful intercessor before God
and Wonder-worker of our day,
I call on you and seek your help.
You who on earth did always fulfill God's design,
help me to do the Holy Will of God.
Beseech the Master of Life,
from whom all paternity proceeded,
to make me fruitful in offspring,
that I may raise up children to God in this life
and heirs to the Kingdom of His glory
in the world to come. Amen.