Pie in the Sky?

First off, Friday Matt, mom and I received the good news that we will be able to stay in our current rental until the end of September...the rent will be raised $100, but we won't have to scramble to find a place big enough for the 3 of us...Hopefully this will give us enough time to continue to pay off some bills (mainly my wedding dress card) and get us back on track for buying a house... we can even go for the short sales now, because we have more time...

Yesterday was fun, got to spend some time with my dad and step-mom and my stepsisters and my twin nieces!  They are getting so big!  I can't believe it.  I just saw them in January and they have totally doubled in size!  They are only 7months old, but are already in 1 yr -18 month clothing... one of them (Kelia) is so long! They have cute little personalities...and my stepsister and her hubby are doing such a great job raising her!  These girls will definitely know how loved they are!

But it is hard, when you are holding onto the little ones not to yearn even more for a child yourself... I know I've talked about this a lot...but it's amazing how strong the pull is when the one thing you want to share your life most in the world with is your own child...and you can't.  I just can't wait until it is my turn to snuggle with my own lil dumpling.

It's hard too, when everyone you know around you (or so it seems) is having babies (or are on their 2nd/3rd)... trust me, I am soooo happy for these friends/random strangers on the street and I pray that they have healthy pregnancies and babies with all my heart... but sometimes it feels like a "rat race"...  You get the question all the time (especially when you are a newlywed) "what are you guys gonna start having kids, how many?" and then in some circles it's awkward because I feel like sometimes we're the only ones in the room that don't have kids, and people who don't know our story kinda wonder what's going on...  And this has been causing me great anxiety...because on "my time" I want a child now and I've been looking at it as this piece of pie that everyone else is getting a slice of, except for me/us...and wondering when it was our turn...and freaking out b/c I'm watching the pieces disappear (or time running out)... and then when I read my daily reflection today in this book I read from time to time... (from Slow Down: 5 minute meditations to do to de-stress your day by Joseph M. Champlin) and the passage couldn't have been more perfect! It even talked about the pie!  It was one of those "Here's your sign" moments...

Here is the passage:

"Caring or Competitive

Our world view leads us to be truly caring or excessively competitive.  The first view sees the world around us like a huge sky with an unlimited number of stars.  Each star represents a person with many gifts.  When that person uses these gifts well, the start shines brightly.  When that person uses those gifts poorly, the star does not shine at all.  My world is thus much more beautiful when the star shines and less beautiful when the star does not.  That makes me glad when another person succeeds and sad when another person fails.  It can lead me to be truly caring.  The other view sees the world around us like a huge pie, but with only a limited number of slices, each slice representing a person with gifts.  If you have a slice, I therefore have less; if you don't have a slice, I have more.  That can make me sad about your successes, happy about your failures.  It can make me excessively competitive.  The ideal, of course, is to view our world as a huge sky with an unlimited number of stars rather than a mammoth pie with only a limited number of slices."

Unlike what it says in the passage, I am no, happy about other people's failures, especially when it comes to pregnancy...just thought I'd throw that out there...But I thought it was funny how this passage when with the analogy I have been feeling as of late... but it helps to remind me yet again... that it is all in God's hands, and what ever will happen shall, and in His time... not mine... I just wish the pain from the desire would be lessened.

I can also take that passage and apply it to my frustrations of not being able to find a job...I'm again, sitting here watching everyone else eat pie, except for me! :) HA!

At least my family and hubby love me; and great things are happening with the teens at church, and I  am so fortunate and blessed to be a part of the great things that are going on there.  The other leaders I work with are amazing!

Anyways,

I hope you have a swell day.

yay it Snowed!

The snow finally started to come down and we have a lot of it!  Maybe Matt will get to stay home again tomorrow. :)

I can't sleep... so now I'm watching more episodes of One Born Every Minute LOL I'm a gluten for punishment....

Um.. Snow?

Dear Snow,
I waited and waited for you all day...but you never came...  you finally visited at 6:30pm...but you still didn't stay very long.  I'm very disappointed in you... I promise I don't bite, and I won't turn you yellow.  Please come back and visit again soon.
Your friend,
Beth



Today was an okay day... Matt got to stay home and work in anticipation of the huge snow storm that was to dump 4-6 inches on us today...I think we got 1/2 inch...we shall see what tonight brings...but I don't think it will be much.

I've been working on youth group stuff, I will be hosting the meeting at our home tomorrow... hopefully everything will go well.  I've been having fun putting together a "news" show and opening credits for our skit on Lent this Sunday.  I'm hoping it will come off well.  I love being creative! :)

My mom had me watch some baby delivery show that is on Lifetime...she kept telling me, see this lady was exactly like me, so easy... and then they would pan over to these other couples... one had to have an emergency c-section b/c the baby was in distress...and the other couple wanted to go natural (which isn't so bad) but they had this Doula type person and they were chanting and yelling and screaming and kept taking showers?!  I'm already scared to deliver the baby whenever God blesses us with a pregnancy...but now watching this, it scares me even more!  I have some people tell me, "yea, it's tough, but I'd do it again in a heart beat." and others who are like "it's nothing" and some who are like, "NEVER AGAIN!"... and I know it's different for everyone...

And now I am thinking I am going crazy b/c on the other hand watching these shows that are scaring the crap out of me and on the other hand having several (meaning more than 9) friends of mine are preggers right now... I'm feeling this overwhelming want/need to be a mamma... I want so much to feel life growing inside of me... and I love what one of my friends wrote on her fb the other day, she said, "two souls, one body"... how beautiful that is to feel...I want a tiny one to take care of and hold and snuggle and comfort when it is upset...I know God will bless us when I/we are ready and are meant to become parents...one way or another...but sometimes waiting and praying for patience is so hard.  Sometimes it is almost unbearable...and I can't even describe the emptiness I feel, and even failure sometimes that I haven't had a child yet (even though it isn't my 'fault' or anything like that)...then maybe I am just the type of person that has to feel guilty about something, even when there really isn't anything to feel guilty about (except maybe for the fact that I ate a cupcake and two handfuls of gummy bears today!)


Anywho, time to throw myself back into this newscast and distract myself from dreaming about babies...  all I know is that when I do have a healthy pregnancy I am going to be the happiest, blessed and thankful mamma ever!

Be thankful

I've had a good week so far...and I feel like I'm in a better place.. I feel that has to do with that fact that I have had a lot to do lately (work, planning youth group activities, hanging with family)...  There are still some stressors out there... like we still do not know if our landlord is going to let us stay after our lease is up in March... We are supposedly going to find out this week via letter in the mail... we shall see...  But other than that, things are okay. I feel valued, and loved and needed for the first time in a long time (other than by my family/hubby, I"m talking outside stuff).  But I have also been thinking a lot...I'm really blessed, and I knew that before but I am really feeling it lately...

I've been thinking a lot about the four yachters who were killed by Somali Pirates and about the earthquakes that have hit New Zealand...I have it so much better than that!  My heart and prayers go out to those families that are without family members today and whose lives are flipped upside down...It helps put into perspective what you really have...and I know people think, "why do bad things happen to good people?"... but without the "bad" the good wouldn't seem/be as good.  It teaches one to be thankful for that they have, because honestly, you or I could have it so much worse.  Not that I am asking God for more of a challenge, but I always knew I was given gifts to handle whatever was thrown at me...even if I may feel like I am at my breaking point (and Matt is at the point of where he wants to send me somewhere else for a day or two :) until I am more sane).

Anyways...

This weekend was a blast, I had my 14 yr old cousin over...today before he went back home we helped make sandwiches for homeless men at my church. It was really fun and I got to meet more people at our parish.  I really like how involved I can be at our parish and how much more welcoming and appreciated I feel here than at other places in the past.  I'm not saying I'm doing these things for the "glory" or the attention... but it's nice to be noticed once and awhile... in other places (churches, organizations, etc) it's so easy to be overlooked because some places are really big... and I love being at a parish that is smaller (not that I didn't like my past parish) and has a lot of opportunities to help out. :)  I am blessed!  It felt really great to be helping people... and even though I will not get to meet the individuals who will enjoy the sandwiches we made today; I couldn't help but wonder about their stories... because we don't all start out where we end up.  I wish there was a way to tell their stories somehow...

Anyways, I'm going to go look at the new teaching books I got today (SO EXCITED! I know I'm a nerd)... I just wish I had a class to teach to! ha ha ha

Hope all is well!

I Survived!

Well, I survived the all nighter with my middle and high school students... it was tough!  There were 20 teens and a lot of adults that came out of the woodworks to help drive/chaperon.  I'm so glad the night went so well and with no incident!  We have such a great group of teens...

The night started out with a pizza dinner and then we went to the YMCA for some swimming.  After that we went to this place that has those jumpy inflatable toys...  The kids really loved this stop... and the adults go in on some of the action as well...  Even our priest came for a little bit and started jumping around!  It was so great seeing everyone having a good time! After that we went to the bowling alley for a little Rock n' Bowl... it'd been two years since I had set foot in a bowling alley, and even longer for this bowling alley.  I used to go to it all the time as a teen...but it's changed so much! I was a little embarrassed for the teens/parents by some of the music videos they showed on the screens...that was new, there weren't videos before... but they were the raunchiest, and most crude videos I had ever seen...and here we are at a church function.... Luckily most of the teens weren't really concentrating on the videos and were mostly into the bowling...but it's not like the fun nights where they did electric slide and stuff like that for fun...  Oh well.  From there we went back to church and were "locked in" for the night.  We provided sloppy joes and ice cream sundaes for the kiddos and other junk food...  We also did some karaoke and trivia games as well as movies. The teens kept themselves busy and I think they were glad to be back to have some down time after the packed evening we had.  Most of the teens fell asleep...all of the boys crashed... there were about 5 girls that survived the whole night!  It was great!

So yesterday was kind of a wash...I got home around 8:30am and Matt was still in bed (he didn't go b/c he was sick)...apparently I started to snore really badly (which I don't normally snore) and kept him up, so he had to get up...Next thing I knew it was 2:30 and he was waking me up... which I DID not like at all! :)  so I went back to sleep...and he came back in at 3...so I crankily got up and was up until 2am this morning :)  Then slept in late...but the good news is now I feel "normal" sleepwise... Why was I up so late?  I had to beat Matt, my mom and my cousin at Monopoly... :)

My cousin is over for the weekend (he's in 9th grade)...and he is currently playing the xbox360...it's nice having him here...it's been awhile since we have had him over.  He really is a good lil egg... I just can't believe he will be 15 this year.  When I was 13 he was born and we used to have him over every other weekend... when he started to talk, he'd call me mama LOL.  At least he's not taller than me yet!  :)

So tomorrow we are going to visit an aunt...and then hopefully we can go hiking! :)  I'm so excited...hopefully the nice weather will hold up!

Well, that's it for now!  Have a great rest of your weekend!

Valentines Day

Valentines Day was exactly what I needed... it wasn't over the top... I didn't get pampered at some posh spa (not that I would be against that...and not that we could afford that)... but it was right what I needed...  Matt was so wonderful to me (not that he usually isn't...but he went the extra mile all weekend)...  The day started out being gently woken up and a wonderful breakfast at Brown Bag... then we drove to the Starbucks we first met at... grabbed a couple of cups of hot chocolate and talked while people watching...  After there we went up to the local falls (it was pouring rain at this point!)  But we still made it outside and walked around, even though we were soaked by the time we got back tot he car...it was really fun!

After that we went to Costco (something Matt hates to do! and he didn't even complain or rush me!) and we went to pick out some movies at Blockbuster...and then we picked my mom up and went and had Thai food!  The evening ended with a flower and chocolates delivery and movie watching. :)

I am blessed.  :)

Second Wind

So I got to sub half day at the school I did all my student teaching at... and there was an assembly there today where a local author came and talked about her journey to get books published.  One funny thing about having her there was that I had just looked at one of her books earlier this week at the bookstore...

She talked about her journey from being a kid and bossing her younger siblings around by making them participate in her plays.  And how she began writing them down...and eventually talking about her grandma, with whom she was very close with.  She learned a couple of lessons from her, and that was to always do your best and to keep trying.  Then she talked about growing up and getting married and having a couple of kids of her own...and how one day she was reading a book to her kids, and that inspired her to write a book and get it published...  Then she continued to talk about the struggles of getting books published- took over 30 publishers before she found one that would publish her book.. Then she got 5 published and then nothing for 7 years... by this time, her grandma was very old and has Alzheimers and started telling her about a story of her great grandmother, but as soon as she began the story, she forgot... so she began to ask around and actually found out that her great grandmother was infact an old homesteader in E. Montana in 1918s....and so she started to use that research for her new book and she wrote another story that is used all over the world... Off and on she has still gotten rejection letters for books, but now things are looking up for her..

So why am I telling you about this?  Because I have become inspired... I'm at a standing point with my book that I've been writing...and this author said, you can't revise/edit what you don't have... at least get something on paper, no matter how bad it is, or how much it doesn't make sense... then go back and fix it...b/c you will have to rewrite it several times anyways and more after someone picks it up...  So I am inspired to jump back into my writing...I've got 2, maybe 3 chapters done of a book so far... and I've been trying to decide what I want to have happen to my main character...but maybe I just need to start writing and let the character take over... and she can decide what happens to her...or I could write it both ways and see which story I like best. :)

Anywho... I am off to sing in my high school's alumni choir tonight LOL  Should be fun! :)

Here's to hoping I fall asleep at a descent hour

Today was kinda nice... Matt took the car to work today and I stayed at home... It was nice because I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything for anybody... well except the youth group...which is something I enjoy... So that's what I worked on for most of the day... I put together stuff for this Sunday's youth group Valentines Day party and prepped materials for our planning meeting tomorrow night for the next life night we will have...  I really love the group of teens we have, and I can see them growing up and going on to do great things.

I also got some things done around the house... like dishes, and washing the bedding... I felt so domesticated LOL  The house has been pretty clean for about 2 weeks now!  I'm really hoping to keep it up!  So far it's been working, for the most part.  The kitchen needs some more work...but that will get done tomorrow after my sub job!

So, I have been all doom and gloom in a lot of my past entries and I have decided that I need to start being thankful for what I do have...and I will post 5 things that I am thankful for on each of my blogs.  So, here we go:

*I am thankful that it was a sunny day today
*I am thankful for cats that make me laugh
*I am thankful for my husband who rubbed my back last night in order to help me fall asleep.
*I am thankful for my mom who fixed us a great dinner and dessert tonight.
*I am thankful for the sub jobs I have received this week.


I hope y'all have a good night.

It's almost 2am....

No matter what I do to try to fall asleep, I can't...I'm at the point where I'm trying to do everything I can to shut off my brain...but it's not working... so I thought about taking some time for a therapeutic blog post...  It's been awhile after all...and hopefully it will do the trick.

Life has been putting along as usual... I've had a few sub jobs to keep me busy during the day, so that has been nice.  I contacted a temp agency earlier in the day (I guess now yesterday at this point) and  am waiting to hear back from them... I'm hoping that they can find me positions where I only need to fill in one day or for 15 hrs a week or something like that...  I feel so much pressure (from myself) to find some gainful employment... I'm tired of struggling, I"m tired of seeing by family go without and I'm tired of not knowing what to do about it... I send my resumes in and never hear back from places... what is it that successful people do to get a foot in the door?  I've even tried to sell various crafts and clothing online...still no bites... I did get hacked into though and my account got taken over...who knows what "I am" posting out there...

Another thing I'm trying to find the time to do is work on a book I started awhile ago... actually a couple...and I am excited about the story, but it needs direction...and it's so hard to concentrate on it when all these other things are going on...I used to be really good at writing, and I've let that go...maybe I just think too hard...Just like life, there are too many options for the story I am trying to write, that I don't know which path for the characters to take...

I am excited about something this week though...on Friday I am singing at my old high school, in the alumni choir!  I haven't been back there in awhile...and this year will be my 10th year reunion.... man I feel old when I think about that... and it's only the beginning b/c I still have my 20th and 30th and 40th, etc to look forward to.  Yet when I think about, this reunion puts so much pressure on people, myself included... This is the one where everyone comes back together, they get in their cliques and compare notes...who is most successful, who looks the best, who has kids or is married... This puts me in a panic...   I know I have done and accomplished great things since high school...

For starters, I've taken my first plane ride (and more), been to Europe twice, went to a 4 yr college and later on got my master in teaching... got married to a wonderful man...I help lead a youth group of great teens...so why do I feel so inadequate?   Maybe it's because I feel like I have no role in life... I mean people need me, and I fill in where needed... I am a wife and daughter... and caretaker to my mom...  but I don't feel fulfilled unless I am doing something outside the home... I know that sounds horrible...so much of my life is lived inside...I am so lonely, I don't have an outside outlet in a lot of ways...  I don't have a job every day, so I don't have coworkers or means of making new friends.... Most people my age have kids and are doing things with/for their families (which is great!  I wish we were in that boat) or they have money to go out and go to dinner, take dance/art/exercise classes or do something fun...  at least if I were a mother or teacher, I'd have a purpose in life...someone/classroom/lesson plans to fill my life and take care of... or even a puppy, I'd get out there take it for walks, maybe meet other people who have dogs...  I was talking with a guy who is a para in one of the classes I regularly sub in... and we both went to the same high school (except he was a yr younger)... we got to talking about the 10 yr reunion and he said that it was funny how far away 10 yrs seemed from when you graduated high school... you have all these plans and goals and the world is yours for the taking basically and you have all the time in the world to get to where you need to be...  but now that we are nearing the end of those 10yrs, it makes you think...where did the time go and what exactly did I accomplish?  What am I doing with my life?  It was nice having someone put into words how I have kinda been feeling and was feeling the same way.  And I know I have done a lot and I appreciate all the opportunities I've had and have been given; and I know there are millions out there who have it far worse than I...but still I don't know how to stop... or where to begin... I don't know if I am coming or going.  I guess you can say I'm having a little qtr life crisis...

I've been praying for patience and guidance in everything... and like my priest says in his homilies, sometimes "no' is an answer to your prayers...and it's tough, but you have to accept it... I know that during these times when everything seems so off balance and you feel like you are ripping at the seams that "God never gives you more than you can handle"...but like Blessed Mother Teresa added onto that by saying, "But sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much"... Everyone struggles, even millionaires in some area of their life...no one has it perfect... it's just hard when a second you get some breathing room and you start getting excited for future possibilities of things to come, and then you are side swiped by another truck full of manure (or maybe 4).

Ok, I'm getting more anxious about everything the more I talk about it, but it has helped a little bit to get it off my chest...

Last Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday and we had some friends and family over to watch the game.  It was nice, I loaded everyone up with Chili and cookies, and others brought chips and other sweets.  It was a nice time, and a great mix of people.  The commercials weren't really doing it for me this year... the quality of them has really gone down...there were a couple that made us laugh though.

Next week is going to be a dozy.  There's Valentines Day on Monday  (Matt has it off, but I don't think we are really doing anything for it), I work several of the days and then on Friday we are chaperoning our youth group's all nighter!  I am hoping for a big group of teens!  This is the first big "fun" social activity we have done since the haunted trails and movie night for Halloween.  I really want this to be a nice turn out, especially b/c it's right before mid-winter break starts...We shall see :)


Anyways, since it is now past 2am, I think I should stop rambling on... I should try and go back to sleep...or maybe just pop in a movie and see what happens?

Till next time... :)