Best Husband

I have the best husband in the world.  Last night when I was feeling worried, Matt made me home made cookies- from scratch.  For those of you that know Matt, cooking isn't something he is very comfortable with...but he did great and they were nummy and it cheered me up!  I love him so much.

I'm a Stress Bunny!

I haven't been this stressed out in a long time!  I feel like everything is crashing down (financially) right now and I don't know what else to do...It's times like these I feel like subbing is a waste of time.  If I was working more regularly, I'd not only have a steady income to draw from (and known monthly budget), but I'd also get paid twice a month...  The frustrating thing about being a sub is the weird cut off days for getting paid.  January is always the hardest month due to winter break, and then snow days.  I've also had some cancellations as of late.

I am a very hard worker, I just wish I had a position I could go to on the days where I don't wind up working for a school to do some clerical work...I'd be good at it, and dependable.  I have my Pampered Chef job, but it's hard to hit up friends to do shows...and then when I do have shows, I haven't been able to book any shows off of those shows.  My friends really have tried...but it's hard when you put a lot into presentation and setting things up and can be disappointing for not only me, but my host when only so much is bought, or people don't show up (especially if they said they were coming and they don't even let you know - or apologize after the fact).

Sometimes I feel like God is calling me to go somewhere else, I feel as if all these doors are closing and all the roads are leading to a dead end.  However, I don't want to leave family and friends either...and my church.

I don't know what else to do...I haven't felt this alone in awhile, and this scared for awhile.  Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers.  God always sees things through, it just depends on the path that will lead us down.

I had a great weekend celebrating one of my best friend's birthday!  My friend flew back from Chicago and stayed with us for the weekend!  I was spoiled by her!  We got to get our mani/pedi on, and ate sushi (something I don't get to do very often with the hubster, since he doesn't like sushi), and I got to  hang out with some other gals as well while watching a movie back at my place.  I also got to play tourist in Seattle, and we walked around for the whole day!  Boy were my legs and feet tired!  But I got to try two things I had never eaten before: Crumpets and Beecher's Mac n' Cheese (which was more penne pasta with cheese soup sauce)...both were good. :)

I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed, but I need to keep reminding myself to take it in strides.  Everything is so up in the air right now, and then at the same time stagnant...  Our lease is up in March, and I hope we are offered another lease, preferably one without a rent raise.  If they don't offer us another lease, or they raise the rent up too high, then we will have to move...and who knows where that money is coming from... sigh.  That's another added pressure to things that are already going on...

But, on a good note (other than spending time with my friend)...my Pampered Chef shows are looking good for this weekend.  That will help tremendously since I am only going to get paid for one day of teaching (Due to winter break and how payroll is done for subs) Sigh... "This too shall pass".... or so I'm told.  My hubby is so patient and supportive, even though I know he's going crazy as well with everything that is going on.  Please pray for us...but something tells me things are going to get really tough here, but hopefully that means afterwards, they will only get better.

Till next time....

God Bless!

blah

Today, I am feeling "beat down"... I have so many worries and so little answers or help on what to do with them...  Sometimes I wish there was a pause button...or a real life "EASY Button" like you see in Staples commercials.  Maybe its just because I was stuck inside for 4 days (due to 11 inches in snow being on the ground)...but I don't think so.  Being stuck inside just allowed me to really focus on some things that aren't going so well, and how much those problems aren't going to go away anytime soon, and there is no help.

Sometimes I just feel so helpless, being a substitute teacher really sucks.  Don't get me wrong, I love teaching, I love the kids I get to see every day (yes, even the difficult classes, because they are teaching me to be a better teacher).  However, being a sub means not getting paid for school breaks and snow days.  I've struggled with wanting to get another job or to leave teaching all together.  I thought that being a Pampered Chef Consultant would help with that, because some people have such great success with being a PC Consultant.  I hate asking my friends to host a show for me, and then hitting their guests up to book more shows... I'm not good at it.  But I love meeting new people, and cooking, and teaching, and really helping people with being creative and having fun in the kitchen. But it's just not working as well as I need it to...and sometimes I wonder if all the added stress from keeping all of those business things is worth it?

I can't really get another job on top of subbing because, lets face it, who is going to work their schedule around my subbing schedule?  They want someone that will stay with them long term, or consistency...some weeks I am busy with jobs every day... I can't always guarantee another job that I will be there every day of the week.  

Then, if I give up on teaching, just to get an office job for awhile (for stability), I could lose my connections and "ins" with the districts that I've worked so hard building up... it's such a catch 22.  Sometimes I just wanna scream, or run away or start over again...like when I was a kid, playing a game and you could do a "do over"... I think people should be allowed one do-over in real life.  

One of my best friends is flying out here from Chicago, and I can't even do something nice for her birthday...sometimes I just feel like a loser. 

 There are things coming up, and I don't know how we're going to get through it...God always sees us through though.  I just wish life wasn't so dang hard, or at least we could catch a break, even if it was for 3 months...and I keep praying for a miracle. 

Sorry for being so blah, it is what it is, and I know it will get better "This too shall pass"....and all that jazz...but you know what I mean, it's hard to see the other side of the grass, when you're too busy sinking in the mud puddle.

Hello Everyone! Here are some much anticipated updates!

I hope the beginning of the new year has been a happy and healthy start for you all.  I can't believe the holidays are over now, I think I am still reeling from all the hustle and bustle.  I think my body is trying to catch up on all the sleep I missed LOL!

One of the things I really wanted to focus on last year was starting to lead a more healthy life... and in some ways I did some good things with that, then not so good... I have the right things in place, I just don't always have the time, or always find other things to avoid doing the "right" thing for me.  Example: we joined the YMCA in Aug. of last year, and we haven't been using it as much as we should.  It's hard because I liked it when Matt went with me, it was a partnership.... but he stopped going, or we'd make a pact to go and he'd be too tired after getting home...What I should've done is still go, but I didn't... sigh.  I am going to rectify this as soon as this snow melts and we're not snowed in.   We've been doing better at eating at home, not going out as much.  But I need to work on little things like, making sure I drink enough water.  I am glad I finally forced myself to go to the dr, and dentist and eye dr... all things I've been needing to do for about 3 or more years.  I still have to get blood drawn (they tried, but my veins dried up and they didn't want to try again).
So that will be this week's job (assuming I don't have to do Jury Duty all week).

As far as baby hopes...it's still slow going... I got some potentially devastating news in December that my OB/GYN thinks that she has done all she can for me... and she began to ask me about IVF...which of course is not an option for Matt and I.  Sometimes I do wish it could be, but I also believe in the teaching of our Church and I understand why it is not an option.  Many of my friends don't understand this, and sometimes it's so frustrating to try and tell them about it, because the ones that don't understand, do not really practice a faith.  They don't even try to listen to the reasons behind it either....just dismissing things when I start to try and explain with their own frustrations as to "why I'm letting religion dictate how we can conceive a child."  It's not that simple to explain, especially for those who are outside the faith, or have no faith at all...it's not something you can just answer in 5 minutes or more, and lets face it, even the very best well-meaning friend doesn't want to sit there and have a conversation/discussion about something they don't believe in or what to even try to understand (from your point of view) in the first place.  It's even hard for people like my mom, who is also Catholic, but grew up in the 60s and 70s as a teen and young adult.  The Catholic Church wasn't always clear on their direction or teachings after Vatican 2....the Church is still in the process of reeducating others move past some of the not so good things that came from the confusion of that time...and its taken almost 50 years to do that much.  That coupled with the "FREEDOM" and "Do what feels good" slogans of the 60s and 70s took a toll on people's understandings of what the Church really teaches... anyways, sorry a bit of a tangent there... but, as I started to say, this is something that is hard for my mom to understand as well, even though I have given her resources, and told her why I cannot undergo IVF.  And really, the beautiful and hard thing to accept (and it seems mean for those that don't understand it)- is just because Matt and I desire to have children, does not mean we have a right to a child.  A child is a gift from God....and we are to wait patiently and lovingly for a child if and when God chooses to bless us with a child.  No matter how angry I get at Him, or emotionally drained I feel, or how painful it is.

I believe that God does things for a reason, in His own time.  And I have to trust that there is a reason.  During Advent a lot of Gospel readings came up where the Angel Gabriel told Mary (Upon revealing to her she conceived a child in her womb and that her cousin, Elizabeth, who was thought to be barren had conceived in her "old age") that "Nothing is impossible for God."  And in those readings, I began to feel a stirring of hope inside of me...I heard this reading the day I was told my OB/GYN had done all she could for me... We decided to up the dosage on some meds and to keep trying....even though I have not ovulated in the past two months on the meds that had previously worked for me.  But I need to be humble enough to know that it is His will, not mine...and I need to really leave everything in his hands, without reservations... it's hard, and it's something I struggle with every day... but I need to trust that He will bless us in one way or another.

Does that mean I don't freak out when I swear there are certain "signs" I might be pregnant? No... I'm going through this right now...but it means I don't let myself overly get worked up about it...or let myself "crash" when the pregnancy test reads "-".   In the mean time, Matt and I have sent in an inquiry to learn more about adoption.  It's not a for sure thing, but we just wanted to get some more information about it.  It is my hope that we could have a baby by this Christmas, but it's not my will be done...  It's good to have desires and destinations, just as long as you remember who is in the drivers seat.

For those of you who are not familiar on why the Catholic Church is against IVF, I have added some information for your reading pleasure. :)  Don't worry, it isn't long.
IVF and Catholic Teaching

I do know my friends have the best intentions when they object to why we are choosing not to use IVF.  They long to see our hopes to be parents come to fruition.  I do wish more of my experiences were like one of my friends.  I told this person what the OB/GYN told me, and that IVF wasn't an option for us...and as I began to brace myself for another backlash or go over in my mind how to explain/defend our decision...this person simply said, "ok, I understand, it's a faith thing...and that's fine."  That really meant a lot to me...in an already stressful and emotional thing to talk about.

Well, anyways I guess it's time for me to sign off.  I hope everyone is doing well and being safe!

God Bless