Here I am, once again, after a considerable absence....but the good news is that we have found a place, and we have successfully moved out of our new place and are about 1/4 of the way unpacked at our new place...It's going to take awhile... I am thankful that this week is spring break so I could unpack from morning till night without interruption. You'd think I'd be exhausted by the end of the day, right? Not so much. I've been having trouble sleeping this week...I have a lot of stuff going on in my head... I feel so uncertain right now...I know we have had some big changes as of late, and I feel as if some bigger ones are coming. The best I can do is just hand it over to God, and trust that He knows best what to do with it all. Yet still, I cannot shake this feeling of fear and guilt... why guilt you ask? I dunno...a couple of things. Both reasons (the reasonable Beth would say) are very silly...but the cautious, very calculated Beth keeps coming through loud and clear...and I know if I keep listening to that Beth, well...nothing is ever going to get done or accomplished...so how do I push the cautious/calculated Beth to the back and bring forward the more bold and reasonable, 'don't give a flying baboon's butt', Beth. Maybe you can help me?
Reason why I feel guilty #1:
The new place we moved to, is mostly great. It's further north from where we were living before; but it's a great area and neighborhood. I feel guilty because my husband (who takes public transportation) is having to sacrifice so much to even get to and from work now. He has to wake up an hour earlier, go to be earlier and be on the bus for almost 90 min at some points; not to mention that he has to take at least two buses. I knew it would be a sacrifice for him to take public transportation back when he first started doing it when we got married...We became a one car family then to save money...We got rid of my car and I've gotten to use his car. I know he willingly agreed to this, but I do feel guilty that it was his car, and I'm the one who has it all the time- basically because as a sub, I work in different locations every day; and my mom (who lives with us) needs it from time to time as well. But now, now that we live in this new place, it's further away from his work...he has to walk further to his stops...I see how tired he is, and how restless he is at night...and we get even less time together at night now. I just...feel bad. I wish there was more I could do.
Reason why I feel guilty #2 (and yes a part of me is saying, "Whaaa whaaa get over it and put your big girl panties on)...
Matt and I are increasingly getting more desperate to adopt...we are still struggling to see how funding the adoption will work. We have considerable amount of educational loan debts, and even though it seems like I am working all the time, we just seem to barely break even. People think we are joking when we say our savings is our change jar...but it ain't far from the truth. Because I am sick of just talking about adopting and just sitting on it, I wanted to take some action. One of the first steps is to do a home study...however, that in itself costs upwards of $1500-2000 easily. Admittedly that is pretty cheap in the grand scheme of things...but really steep for us. So, I recently found out about GoFundMe.com which is a website where people can make their own webpages for a cause...whether that be for a wedding or a trip or a life saving operation...all the way to adoption.
Long story short, I created a page: Compton Family Adoption through Gofundme.com. But other than this site, I haven't put it out there...at least not through Facebook where my friends and family could see it. And this is where I get annoyed with myself...I'm scared. I am afraid of judgement by others...and suddenly I am the person I was in middle school, not sure of myself- not wanting to rock the boat. Part of it stems from the reaction from a certain person in my life at the time I was pregnant. I am afraid of their judgement most of all; but why? I ask myself this, yes, this person is very important to me...and I'm probably worrying about nothing...because times are different. However, if I send this out, everyone will know; the deepest desire Matt and I have; to become parents, and the fact that we have struggled...not because of choice, but because we haven't been able to achieve creating another human being again. My body is broken, the one thing my body is supposed to do; won't. Along with that, the whisperings of disapproval and judgements: "Well, if she just lost some weight, she would be able to" (True, but with PCOS, it's very difficult, even after being on Weight Watchers for a year, I've only lost about 15lbs)... "Well what are they thinking adopting a child, they don't have money"... "You don't even have a steady job, how are you going to manage taking time off with a new baby?" "You don't even own your own house, why are you trying to adopt?" "If you really wanted to adopt, how come you went to Disneyland in December instead of saving that money towards the adoption?" "If you were really serious about adoption, you wouldn't go out to dinner/movie/bowling tonight." Fear...not knowing what to answer to these questions...except that I know this child will be loved beyond a shadow of a doubt, and what negative thing you have to say about it can just be kept to yourself. I don't want to hear it or feel it. This is what I should say to those nay-sayers...but again, how and what people think of me, and disappointing people are what scare me most. Especially family...I wish I could be as strong as my husband, bless his soul. He doesn't care, and essentially I shouldn't either...I don't want to care, but I do; because I have always cared about how other people think/feel about things. I am a caregiver after all...
And so, here I sit...worrying about how to put this page out there on Facebook for my friends and family and potentially the world to see. Feeling guilty for letting the fear of what others may think/say stop me from actually posting and trying this avenue that actually might take some of the burden of adoption costs off our shoulders. I know I need to trust in God's plan more...and growing pains are just that, painful...and none of this will matter once we have that little soul in our arms. Because if I am to be a good parent, I need to not worry about what others think, I want to do everything I can for that little soul....
Part of the problem is that I feel I need to let my immediate family know before I post it on Facebook...but again, I am afraid of the backlash. I don't know how to bring it up to them. Kids are a good thing, but a good thing for those that are "financially stable". Reasonable Beth tells me to, "shut up and get over it." Until the ball really gets moving, I have kept myself busy by making our adoption profile book on Shutterfly. I haven't ordered one yet, but it's ready, for when we are fully ready. We could also be reaching out to various home study case workers out there, to see what the price range truly is. We also need to look into a lawyer and go down to the police station so they can do an FBI background search on us.
I keep saying something's gotta give...but I think I'm the one that has to give, and go for it. I just wish I had more support, or felt like I did. I dunno...I feel so lost.
"Jesus I trust in You!"
Friday, April 11, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Jesus, I trust in You...
We just were notified by our property manger that we need to move out by the 31st of March....crud... Yay for stress...but God will see us through, I just gotta keep calm and keep trusting. We have extremely supportive friends willing to help us find a place and move...so we are blessed and I am ever grateful. It's going to be difficult finding a type of place like we need (one with a MIL downstairs for my mom) and in our budget...rental prices have skyrocketed around here as of late... I wish we could afford to buy, but it doesn't look like that is in the cards at the moment.
I'll keep you updated. :)
I'll keep you updated. :)
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
That feeling of inadequacy is beginning to creep up on me again... Many of my friends are pregnant with their 3rd, 4th or 5th children...and here Matt and I are, still with only our little angel up in heaven. I long and pray for the day I get to hear, "I love you mamma" from a little one; so much so that the very thought of it nearly collapses me. I have not given up hope, and I have not given up my prayers that God has a plan for us and will see us through. Some days are easier than others. I believe little things have been happening; even if I do not always recognize it, or appreciate it.
Sometimes it's hard to believe that God hasn't forgotten me...the truth is, God never forgets about us. There have been a few times when I have without a doubt, felt God's presence and heard his voice. I don't normally talk about those times. One was the night that I lost Aldora; it was past midnight and I had been restless with cramps. Matt, in his deep sleep, turned over, put his hand on my stomach and said, "It's going to be alright; I'm here for you, I'm always here for you. Do you trust me?" The next morning I began to bleed. I think God was speaking through Matt at the moment; that even though Aldora wasn't meant to be held in our arms as an Earthly being; but in our hearts...she is our intercessory in heaven; hearing our prayers for a brother/sister for her. It's taken me a long time to accept that and to not question, "why me?" and scream out, "This isn't fair, do you not love me anymore?" The most recent time I have heard God was this past October. I was listening on the radio; and there was a story about a couple who were struggling with infertility; and while I cannot remember exactly what their story was, they had been able to conceive, not only a child, but two sets of twins (naturally). I had just pulled into the parking lot at the school I was subbing at, and a huge rush of emotion just came over me. I immediately burst into tears; but within seconds of beginning, I stopped...mostly because I felt that God heard me. I heard, deep inside me- not with my ears, but in my heart God tell me, "I have not forgotten you." That was so powerful.
Shortly after that, (not to be an oversharer)- I got my period. And then after that, a teacher friend of mine reconnect me with her daughter (someone I had gone to high school with). She too had been going through infertility issues and for the first time in my life; I finally had someone to talk to who truly knew the ups and downs and sorrows one goes through when they want nothing more in this world than to conceive a child. They were finally able to have their miracle through IVF; and I am so happy for them. I am glad that that option for them worked. It's been nice to have a connection with someone, even if it is over something like this.
While I am still without a child, my body is "kicking back" into gear. I have lost about 15lbs since last May through Weight Watchers. It's not a whole lot...but keeping that 15lbs off for 9 months is a feat in and of itself...b/c it's a lifestyle change. I've gone down a dress size, so much so I have to go shop for new pants for work! And again, for the second time in 4 months I have gotten my period again- on it's own. If you are wondering why I am so excited about this it is because I usually only get one a year, if any at all.
I know God has a plan...I just need to trust. We will have children; one way or another.
Last thing I want to leave you with is a link to another blog. A friend of mine posted this, and I needed to read it. I know a lot of people don't understand why I don't just choose IVF or IUI...and while this post isn't about that...it's about accepting that sometimes "no" or "not now" is an answer, no matter how hard it is to hear or understand
http://natashametzler.com/2014/02/17/but-why-does-she-get-babies/
Have a great Day,\
-B.
Sometimes it's hard to believe that God hasn't forgotten me...the truth is, God never forgets about us. There have been a few times when I have without a doubt, felt God's presence and heard his voice. I don't normally talk about those times. One was the night that I lost Aldora; it was past midnight and I had been restless with cramps. Matt, in his deep sleep, turned over, put his hand on my stomach and said, "It's going to be alright; I'm here for you, I'm always here for you. Do you trust me?" The next morning I began to bleed. I think God was speaking through Matt at the moment; that even though Aldora wasn't meant to be held in our arms as an Earthly being; but in our hearts...she is our intercessory in heaven; hearing our prayers for a brother/sister for her. It's taken me a long time to accept that and to not question, "why me?" and scream out, "This isn't fair, do you not love me anymore?" The most recent time I have heard God was this past October. I was listening on the radio; and there was a story about a couple who were struggling with infertility; and while I cannot remember exactly what their story was, they had been able to conceive, not only a child, but two sets of twins (naturally). I had just pulled into the parking lot at the school I was subbing at, and a huge rush of emotion just came over me. I immediately burst into tears; but within seconds of beginning, I stopped...mostly because I felt that God heard me. I heard, deep inside me- not with my ears, but in my heart God tell me, "I have not forgotten you." That was so powerful.
Shortly after that, (not to be an oversharer)- I got my period. And then after that, a teacher friend of mine reconnect me with her daughter (someone I had gone to high school with). She too had been going through infertility issues and for the first time in my life; I finally had someone to talk to who truly knew the ups and downs and sorrows one goes through when they want nothing more in this world than to conceive a child. They were finally able to have their miracle through IVF; and I am so happy for them. I am glad that that option for them worked. It's been nice to have a connection with someone, even if it is over something like this.
While I am still without a child, my body is "kicking back" into gear. I have lost about 15lbs since last May through Weight Watchers. It's not a whole lot...but keeping that 15lbs off for 9 months is a feat in and of itself...b/c it's a lifestyle change. I've gone down a dress size, so much so I have to go shop for new pants for work! And again, for the second time in 4 months I have gotten my period again- on it's own. If you are wondering why I am so excited about this it is because I usually only get one a year, if any at all.
I know God has a plan...I just need to trust. We will have children; one way or another.
Last thing I want to leave you with is a link to another blog. A friend of mine posted this, and I needed to read it. I know a lot of people don't understand why I don't just choose IVF or IUI...and while this post isn't about that...it's about accepting that sometimes "no" or "not now" is an answer, no matter how hard it is to hear or understand
http://natashametzler.com/2014/02/17/but-why-does-she-get-babies/
Have a great Day,\
-B.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Re-Start
Well hello there!
It's been quite awhile since I have written here... I don't even know if anyone checks this site anymore...but nevertheless, I will still post something here.
Updates on my life...where to start... This time last year I was going through a lot. End of 2012 and beginning of 2013 were not good for me. From November 2012-February 2013, I experienced the loss of 8 people...one being that of my grandma, I was super close to her, and I still feel lost without her to talk to once and awhile, but I know that she is looking down on me from heave above. The second hardest was a friend of mine from choir, who was murdered a few hours after I had seen her. This happened a month after my grandma passed away and all the while I was just beginning my first long term sub assignment. But God saw us through all of this. Sometimes looking back on what all we went through last year, it's amazing to me to realize just how much did happen to us (pleasant and unpleasant).
2013 was a great year for many reasons. I turned 30 and had a wonderful surprise birthday party that my husband and one of my best friends teamed up to throw for me. I was a little upset about turning 30, because in my mind; I haven't hit those "benchmarks" in life that I think I should have hit by now (permanent job, child(ren), home ownership, new car). However, I am loving my 30's, I also believe that those things will come...and I can't believe I will be 31 in just two short months!
I also got to travel quite a bit this year. In May, my mom, husband, mother-in-law and I traveled to Oregon for quick trip over Mother's Day weekend...it was a really good trip, something we all needed for ourselves at the time. In July, I was able to take my mom and one of my best friends on a weekend trip to Leavenworth, WA. We had a lot of fun, and we were able to visit some places we haven't been in awhile. I also had the opportunity to take a couple of bigger trips this year.
One of these trips was to San Francisco. I was honored to be asked to be part of my friend Shai and Natalie's wedding party. I got to serve as a groomswoman with some of my best guy friends I had growing up! It was so great being able to hang out like we did while we were younger. Reminded me of the good 'ol days...and looking back, was something I really needed at the time. Even though some of us have moved away, or lost touch, it's amazing how things just went back to a comfortable safeness I haven't felt in a long time. We reminisced, and laughed, celebrated and played...I was taken care of, and even though I was 1,000 miles away from my every day life and away from my husband; I felt at home. Partly because I was with people who mean so much to me, but also partly because of Natalie and Shai...the fact that even though they were the ones getting married, they made sure everyone felt loved, appreciated, and like family. Even though I am Shai's friend- I really felt like family to Natalie's family...I got to spend a lot of time with them and her friend (whom I stayed with)- and I was taken care of really well... words cannot express how appreciative I feel for that weekend. It takes a special couple to bring everyone together, and keep everyone happy and to make everyone feel so welcome.
But my FAVORITE trip of the year was going to Disneyland for New Years Eve! We were able to take my husband's mom as well. She had never been to Southern California before, let alone Disneyland. She was so cute! She was so happy and excited the whole time, it didn't matter if we were waiting yet again in a ridiculously long line or taking pictures/conversing with a Disney Character. It was a great trip for all of us, we spent about 13 hours/day in the park...and both of us got the sniffles, but it was worth it! We even got to pilot the Mark Twain River Boat and take the 'Walk in Walt's Foot Step" tour and got to go into his Apartment above the firehouse. I even got to wear my birthday button and everyone kept telling me happy birthday- Matt still does from time to time. OOOh Also, at California Adventures you can take drawing classes for various characters. Here are some pictures:
This past year I was also blessed with several long term sub assignments. From January to May I had my first long term sub assignment. In the summer I was offered another long term assignment that lasted from Aug till Dec. Then I was blessed with another long term assignment right after that (which I am currently teaching now). Getting closer to getting full time work, I can't wait, I can feel that maybe this year will be my year.
As far as my health, I have lost about 15lbs. Matt and I joined Weight Watcher last May, and even though I haven't lost a ton of weight, it's fun to see the little ways my body seems healthier. I am even thinking about joining a color run this year! Me, who hates to run...but I've been getting excited about running as of late, but it's getting over that hump of actually getting out and doing it... ha! Maybe if I something to work towards, I will be more motivated?
Hopefully we will be able to get a house soon, Lord knows how sick I am of the place we are renting right now...
This too shall pass...
I hope everyone is doing well!
God Bless
It's been quite awhile since I have written here... I don't even know if anyone checks this site anymore...but nevertheless, I will still post something here.
Updates on my life...where to start... This time last year I was going through a lot. End of 2012 and beginning of 2013 were not good for me. From November 2012-February 2013, I experienced the loss of 8 people...one being that of my grandma, I was super close to her, and I still feel lost without her to talk to once and awhile, but I know that she is looking down on me from heave above. The second hardest was a friend of mine from choir, who was murdered a few hours after I had seen her. This happened a month after my grandma passed away and all the while I was just beginning my first long term sub assignment. But God saw us through all of this. Sometimes looking back on what all we went through last year, it's amazing to me to realize just how much did happen to us (pleasant and unpleasant).
2013 was a great year for many reasons. I turned 30 and had a wonderful surprise birthday party that my husband and one of my best friends teamed up to throw for me. I was a little upset about turning 30, because in my mind; I haven't hit those "benchmarks" in life that I think I should have hit by now (permanent job, child(ren), home ownership, new car). However, I am loving my 30's, I also believe that those things will come...and I can't believe I will be 31 in just two short months!
I also got to travel quite a bit this year. In May, my mom, husband, mother-in-law and I traveled to Oregon for quick trip over Mother's Day weekend...it was a really good trip, something we all needed for ourselves at the time. In July, I was able to take my mom and one of my best friends on a weekend trip to Leavenworth, WA. We had a lot of fun, and we were able to visit some places we haven't been in awhile. I also had the opportunity to take a couple of bigger trips this year.
One of these trips was to San Francisco. I was honored to be asked to be part of my friend Shai and Natalie's wedding party. I got to serve as a groomswoman with some of my best guy friends I had growing up! It was so great being able to hang out like we did while we were younger. Reminded me of the good 'ol days...and looking back, was something I really needed at the time. Even though some of us have moved away, or lost touch, it's amazing how things just went back to a comfortable safeness I haven't felt in a long time. We reminisced, and laughed, celebrated and played...I was taken care of, and even though I was 1,000 miles away from my every day life and away from my husband; I felt at home. Partly because I was with people who mean so much to me, but also partly because of Natalie and Shai...the fact that even though they were the ones getting married, they made sure everyone felt loved, appreciated, and like family. Even though I am Shai's friend- I really felt like family to Natalie's family...I got to spend a lot of time with them and her friend (whom I stayed with)- and I was taken care of really well... words cannot express how appreciative I feel for that weekend. It takes a special couple to bring everyone together, and keep everyone happy and to make everyone feel so welcome.
But my FAVORITE trip of the year was going to Disneyland for New Years Eve! We were able to take my husband's mom as well. She had never been to Southern California before, let alone Disneyland. She was so cute! She was so happy and excited the whole time, it didn't matter if we were waiting yet again in a ridiculously long line or taking pictures/conversing with a Disney Character. It was a great trip for all of us, we spent about 13 hours/day in the park...and both of us got the sniffles, but it was worth it! We even got to pilot the Mark Twain River Boat and take the 'Walk in Walt's Foot Step" tour and got to go into his Apartment above the firehouse. I even got to wear my birthday button and everyone kept telling me happy birthday- Matt still does from time to time. OOOh Also, at California Adventures you can take drawing classes for various characters. Here are some pictures:
This past year I was also blessed with several long term sub assignments. From January to May I had my first long term sub assignment. In the summer I was offered another long term assignment that lasted from Aug till Dec. Then I was blessed with another long term assignment right after that (which I am currently teaching now). Getting closer to getting full time work, I can't wait, I can feel that maybe this year will be my year.
As far as my health, I have lost about 15lbs. Matt and I joined Weight Watcher last May, and even though I haven't lost a ton of weight, it's fun to see the little ways my body seems healthier. I am even thinking about joining a color run this year! Me, who hates to run...but I've been getting excited about running as of late, but it's getting over that hump of actually getting out and doing it... ha! Maybe if I something to work towards, I will be more motivated?
Hopefully we will be able to get a house soon, Lord knows how sick I am of the place we are renting right now...
This too shall pass...
I hope everyone is doing well!
God Bless
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