That feeling of inadequacy is beginning to creep up on me again... Many of my friends are pregnant with their 3rd, 4th or 5th children...and here Matt and I are, still with only our little angel up in heaven.  I long and pray for the day I get to hear, "I love you mamma" from a little one; so much so that the very thought of it nearly collapses me.  I have not given up hope, and I have not given up my prayers that God has a plan for us and will see us through.  Some days are easier than others.  I believe little things have been happening; even if I do not always recognize it, or appreciate it.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that God hasn't forgotten me...the truth is, God never forgets about us.  There have been a few times when I have without a doubt, felt God's presence and heard his voice.  I don't normally talk about those times.  One was the night that I lost Aldora; it was past midnight and I had been restless with cramps.  Matt, in his deep sleep, turned over, put his hand on my stomach and said, "It's going to be alright; I'm here for you, I'm always here for you.  Do you trust me?" The next morning I began to bleed.  I think God was speaking through Matt at the moment; that even though Aldora wasn't meant to be held in our arms as an Earthly being; but in our hearts...she is our intercessory in heaven; hearing our prayers for a brother/sister for her.  It's taken me a long time to accept that and to not question, "why me?"  and scream out, "This isn't fair, do you not love me anymore?"  The most recent time I have heard God was this past October.  I was listening on the radio; and there was a story about a couple who were struggling with infertility; and while I cannot remember exactly what their story was, they had been able to conceive, not only a child, but two sets of twins (naturally).  I had just pulled into the parking lot at the school I was subbing at, and a huge rush of emotion just came over me.  I immediately burst into tears; but within seconds of beginning, I stopped...mostly because I felt that God heard me.  I heard, deep inside me- not with my ears, but in my heart God tell me, "I have not forgotten you."  That was so powerful.

Shortly after that, (not to be an oversharer)- I got my period.  And then after that, a teacher friend of mine reconnect me with her daughter (someone I had gone to high school with).  She too had been going through infertility issues and for the first time in my life; I finally had someone to talk to who truly knew the ups and downs and sorrows one goes through when they want nothing more in this world than to conceive a child.  They were finally able to have their miracle through IVF; and I am so happy for them.  I am glad that that option for them worked.  It's been nice to have a connection with someone, even if it is over something like this.

While I am still without a child, my body is "kicking back" into gear.  I have lost about 15lbs since last May through Weight Watchers.  It's not a whole lot...but keeping that 15lbs off for 9 months is a feat in and of itself...b/c it's a lifestyle change.  I've gone down a dress size, so much so I have to go shop for new pants for work! And again, for the second time in 4 months I have gotten my period again- on it's own.  If you are wondering why I am so excited about this it is because I usually only get one a year, if any at all.

I know God has a plan...I just need to trust.  We will have children; one way or another.

Last thing I want to leave you with is a link to another blog.  A friend of mine posted this, and I needed to read it.  I know a lot of people don't understand why I don't just choose IVF or IUI...and while this post isn't about that...it's about accepting that sometimes "no" or "not now" is an answer, no matter how hard it is to hear or understand

http://natashametzler.com/2014/02/17/but-why-does-she-get-babies/



Have a great Day,\
-B.