Here I am, once again, after a considerable absence....but the good news is that we have found a place, and we have successfully moved out of our new place and are about 1/4 of the way unpacked at our new place...It's going to take awhile... I am thankful that this week is spring break so I could unpack from morning till night without interruption. You'd think I'd be exhausted by the end of the day, right? Not so much. I've been having trouble sleeping this week...I have a lot of stuff going on in my head... I feel so uncertain right now...I know we have had some big changes as of late, and I feel as if some bigger ones are coming. The best I can do is just hand it over to God, and trust that He knows best what to do with it all. Yet still, I cannot shake this feeling of fear and guilt... why guilt you ask? I dunno...a couple of things. Both reasons (the reasonable Beth would say) are very silly...but the cautious, very calculated Beth keeps coming through loud and clear...and I know if I keep listening to that Beth, well...nothing is ever going to get done or accomplished...so how do I push the cautious/calculated Beth to the back and bring forward the more bold and reasonable, 'don't give a flying baboon's butt', Beth. Maybe you can help me?
Reason why I feel guilty #1:
The new place we moved to, is mostly great. It's further north from where we were living before; but it's a great area and neighborhood. I feel guilty because my husband (who takes public transportation) is having to sacrifice so much to even get to and from work now. He has to wake up an hour earlier, go to be earlier and be on the bus for almost 90 min at some points; not to mention that he has to take at least two buses. I knew it would be a sacrifice for him to take public transportation back when he first started doing it when we got married...We became a one car family then to save money...We got rid of my car and I've gotten to use his car. I know he willingly agreed to this, but I do feel guilty that it was his car, and I'm the one who has it all the time- basically because as a sub, I work in different locations every day; and my mom (who lives with us) needs it from time to time as well. But now, now that we live in this new place, it's further away from his work...he has to walk further to his stops...I see how tired he is, and how restless he is at night...and we get even less time together at night now. I just...feel bad. I wish there was more I could do.
Reason why I feel guilty #2 (and yes a part of me is saying, "Whaaa whaaa get over it and put your big girl panties on)...
Matt and I are increasingly getting more desperate to adopt...we are still struggling to see how funding the adoption will work. We have considerable amount of educational loan debts, and even though it seems like I am working all the time, we just seem to barely break even. People think we are joking when we say our savings is our change jar...but it ain't far from the truth. Because I am sick of just talking about adopting and just sitting on it, I wanted to take some action. One of the first steps is to do a home study...however, that in itself costs upwards of $1500-2000 easily. Admittedly that is pretty cheap in the grand scheme of things...but really steep for us. So, I recently found out about GoFundMe.com which is a website where people can make their own webpages for a cause...whether that be for a wedding or a trip or a life saving operation...all the way to adoption.
Long story short, I created a page: Compton Family Adoption through Gofundme.com. But other than this site, I haven't put it out there...at least not through Facebook where my friends and family could see it. And this is where I get annoyed with myself...I'm scared. I am afraid of judgement by others...and suddenly I am the person I was in middle school, not sure of myself- not wanting to rock the boat. Part of it stems from the reaction from a certain person in my life at the time I was pregnant. I am afraid of their judgement most of all; but why? I ask myself this, yes, this person is very important to me...and I'm probably worrying about nothing...because times are different. However, if I send this out, everyone will know; the deepest desire Matt and I have; to become parents, and the fact that we have struggled...not because of choice, but because we haven't been able to achieve creating another human being again. My body is broken, the one thing my body is supposed to do; won't. Along with that, the whisperings of disapproval and judgements: "Well, if she just lost some weight, she would be able to" (True, but with PCOS, it's very difficult, even after being on Weight Watchers for a year, I've only lost about 15lbs)... "Well what are they thinking adopting a child, they don't have money"... "You don't even have a steady job, how are you going to manage taking time off with a new baby?" "You don't even own your own house, why are you trying to adopt?" "If you really wanted to adopt, how come you went to Disneyland in December instead of saving that money towards the adoption?" "If you were really serious about adoption, you wouldn't go out to dinner/movie/bowling tonight." Fear...not knowing what to answer to these questions...except that I know this child will be loved beyond a shadow of a doubt, and what negative thing you have to say about it can just be kept to yourself. I don't want to hear it or feel it. This is what I should say to those nay-sayers...but again, how and what people think of me, and disappointing people are what scare me most. Especially family...I wish I could be as strong as my husband, bless his soul. He doesn't care, and essentially I shouldn't either...I don't want to care, but I do; because I have always cared about how other people think/feel about things. I am a caregiver after all...
And so, here I sit...worrying about how to put this page out there on Facebook for my friends and family and potentially the world to see. Feeling guilty for letting the fear of what others may think/say stop me from actually posting and trying this avenue that actually might take some of the burden of adoption costs off our shoulders. I know I need to trust in God's plan more...and growing pains are just that, painful...and none of this will matter once we have that little soul in our arms. Because if I am to be a good parent, I need to not worry about what others think, I want to do everything I can for that little soul....
Part of the problem is that I feel I need to let my immediate family know before I post it on Facebook...but again, I am afraid of the backlash. I don't know how to bring it up to them. Kids are a good thing, but a good thing for those that are "financially stable". Reasonable Beth tells me to, "shut up and get over it." Until the ball really gets moving, I have kept myself busy by making our adoption profile book on Shutterfly. I haven't ordered one yet, but it's ready, for when we are fully ready. We could also be reaching out to various home study case workers out there, to see what the price range truly is. We also need to look into a lawyer and go down to the police station so they can do an FBI background search on us.
I keep saying something's gotta give...but I think I'm the one that has to give, and go for it. I just wish I had more support, or felt like I did. I dunno...I feel so lost.
"Jesus I trust in You!"
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