No matter what I do to try to fall asleep, I can't...I'm at the point where I'm trying to do everything I can to shut off my brain...but it's not working... so I thought about taking some time for a therapeutic blog post... It's been awhile after all...and hopefully it will do the trick.
Life has been putting along as usual... I've had a few sub jobs to keep me busy during the day, so that has been nice. I contacted a temp agency earlier in the day (I guess now yesterday at this point) and am waiting to hear back from them... I'm hoping that they can find me positions where I only need to fill in one day or for 15 hrs a week or something like that... I feel so much pressure (from myself) to find some gainful employment... I'm tired of struggling, I"m tired of seeing by family go without and I'm tired of not knowing what to do about it... I send my resumes in and never hear back from places... what is it that successful people do to get a foot in the door? I've even tried to sell various crafts and clothing online...still no bites... I did get hacked into though and my account got taken over...who knows what "I am" posting out there...
Another thing I'm trying to find the time to do is work on a book I started awhile ago... actually a couple...and I am excited about the story, but it needs direction...and it's so hard to concentrate on it when all these other things are going on...I used to be really good at writing, and I've let that go...maybe I just think too hard...Just like life, there are too many options for the story I am trying to write, that I don't know which path for the characters to take...
I am excited about something this week though...on Friday I am singing at my old high school, in the alumni choir! I haven't been back there in awhile...and this year will be my 10th year reunion.... man I feel old when I think about that... and it's only the beginning b/c I still have my 20th and 30th and 40th, etc to look forward to. Yet when I think about, this reunion puts so much pressure on people, myself included... This is the one where everyone comes back together, they get in their cliques and compare notes...who is most successful, who looks the best, who has kids or is married... This puts me in a panic... I know I have done and accomplished great things since high school...
For starters, I've taken my first plane ride (and more), been to Europe twice, went to a 4 yr college and later on got my master in teaching... got married to a wonderful man...I help lead a youth group of great teens...so why do I feel so inadequate? Maybe it's because I feel like I have no role in life... I mean people need me, and I fill in where needed... I am a wife and daughter... and caretaker to my mom... but I don't feel fulfilled unless I am doing something outside the home... I know that sounds horrible...so much of my life is lived inside...I am so lonely, I don't have an outside outlet in a lot of ways... I don't have a job every day, so I don't have coworkers or means of making new friends.... Most people my age have kids and are doing things with/for their families (which is great! I wish we were in that boat) or they have money to go out and go to dinner, take dance/art/exercise classes or do something fun... at least if I were a mother or teacher, I'd have a purpose in life...someone/classroom/lesson plans to fill my life and take care of... or even a puppy, I'd get out there take it for walks, maybe meet other people who have dogs... I was talking with a guy who is a para in one of the classes I regularly sub in... and we both went to the same high school (except he was a yr younger)... we got to talking about the 10 yr reunion and he said that it was funny how far away 10 yrs seemed from when you graduated high school... you have all these plans and goals and the world is yours for the taking basically and you have all the time in the world to get to where you need to be... but now that we are nearing the end of those 10yrs, it makes you think...where did the time go and what exactly did I accomplish? What am I doing with my life? It was nice having someone put into words how I have kinda been feeling and was feeling the same way. And I know I have done a lot and I appreciate all the opportunities I've had and have been given; and I know there are millions out there who have it far worse than I...but still I don't know how to stop... or where to begin... I don't know if I am coming or going. I guess you can say I'm having a little qtr life crisis...
I've been praying for patience and guidance in everything... and like my priest says in his homilies, sometimes "no' is an answer to your prayers...and it's tough, but you have to accept it... I know that during these times when everything seems so off balance and you feel like you are ripping at the seams that "God never gives you more than you can handle"...but like Blessed Mother Teresa added onto that by saying, "But sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much"... Everyone struggles, even millionaires in some area of their life...no one has it perfect... it's just hard when a second you get some breathing room and you start getting excited for future possibilities of things to come, and then you are side swiped by another truck full of manure (or maybe 4).
Ok, I'm getting more anxious about everything the more I talk about it, but it has helped a little bit to get it off my chest...
Last Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday and we had some friends and family over to watch the game. It was nice, I loaded everyone up with Chili and cookies, and others brought chips and other sweets. It was a nice time, and a great mix of people. The commercials weren't really doing it for me this year... the quality of them has really gone down...there were a couple that made us laugh though.
Next week is going to be a dozy. There's Valentines Day on Monday (Matt has it off, but I don't think we are really doing anything for it), I work several of the days and then on Friday we are chaperoning our youth group's all nighter! I am hoping for a big group of teens! This is the first big "fun" social activity we have done since the haunted trails and movie night for Halloween. I really want this to be a nice turn out, especially b/c it's right before mid-winter break starts...We shall see :)
Anyways, since it is now past 2am, I think I should stop rambling on... I should try and go back to sleep...or maybe just pop in a movie and see what happens?
Till next time... :)
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