Feeling disheartened and kinda... blahhh

*** DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS ALL ABOUT BABY STUFF, and might be TMI at times, read at your own discretion. ***

I can't help but feel a little blah today... I just finished a book called "Plus Sized Pregnancy"... and I really liked it. It had a lot of great information and explanations of everything. I read the whole part on Labor, delivery and breast feeding and postpartum sections tonight. Matt came in and I told him that I was no longer sure I wanted to deliver the baby, and that he would owe me big time. :) Not really, I know, like all things I build it up to be worse in my mind than it will really turn out to be. For those of you that know me, will remember how much I was freaking out about my wedding night :P (hee hee).

So anyways, I still haven't heard back from the doc on the blood test results. I caved in and took a Pregnancy test, and that came back negative as well. I want a child so bad, it consumes me... I keep having dreams about holding our baby for the first time, and it aches when I wake up and realize it was a dream. I know that sounds kinda silly to those of you who are not "there" or don't feel that way about having kids or wanting kids. I have never experienced anything like this before. At the same time I still want to doubt the negative pregnancy test, because I feel some things...but it could be my body getting ready to menstruate as well. I just want to know that all the meds I am taking and blood tests and ultrasounds are actually helping the doctors know what to do with me. I know this will only be the 3rd month, but I feel like they should be upping dosage on other stuff... I just feel like I am in limbo all the time!

Matt keeps on reminding me that it's okay if it takes longer, and up to 6 months like my doc said the last time I saw her. We are going to Disney World in December and he tried to put a positive spin on it by stating that if I am not pregnant then, than at least I could ride all the rides. :) True and I wouldn't be as tired if I was pregnant...but still, it would be a cool baby-moon to go on :)

Again, what this all boils down to is patience. Constantly I am reminding myself that it isn't my will that is to be done... if we all got what we wanted or asked for every time, then we wouldn't appreciate anything that we have. The Patron Saint for mothers or those who wish to become pregnant is St. Gerard Majella. I learned of him when I first got pregnant last year, my sister in law gave me the medal she had worn while she was pregnant with my nephew. I have warn it almost every day since. I looked up some prayers, but nothing specifically for patience. But I did find out that his feast day is coming up on Oct. 15th. St. Anne and St. Anthony are also patron saints for fertility.

Ok, well I'm not going to go watch a chick flick (Killers) and try to feel better.